An Inward Struggle

I know I have posted some silly things on the ol' blog since September 9th...the day of Brian's memorial. I have been conflicted with how to express and write how I am feeling about all of this.

Don't get me wrong, I am grieving. I am grieving in a way that I have never grieved before. I have seen death and tragedy in my life, trust me.

I am going to express to you, anyone who reads this, something so simple and so gravely important. Something that had become so amazingly convoluted in Brian's life, but was truly simple.

I do not stand in judgment of Brian. I want to make that crystal clear. He lived his amazing life, and it has echoed for the last week or so, he was a good guy....a great guy. He struggled, though. Just like all of us do. We all struggle with hard things inside that we don't express to anyone, or maybe only drop hints about.

What all of us knew about Brian was two things. 1) He was having a hard time. 2) Several family members, time and time again, expressed to him that if he surrendered to God, gave his life to God, a whole lot of this struggle would make sense. Each time that was expressed to him, he bristled and either put up a wall or changed the subject with a joke. It's a simple answer, but makes all the difference in the world.

It was not my place, as Brian's cousin in-law, to approach him about such personal things. I knew others were. However, from the outside looking in, I saw a man trying to fill "that void" with things. New cars, new house, new bikes, new this, new that.......all shiny things that have no great value. Real simple assessment, those things don't fill that void. The void became increasingly demanding, and nothing can fill it.

Nothing shiny and pretty and temporary can fill a void that is meant to be filled with substance.

I know a verse in the Bible that I want to share with you, but hesitate to. So many people use it and abuse it. Even celebrities and people on that shiny TV.

Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the light. No one comes to the Father except through me." So many focus on the way and the truth....but forget the light. Light in darkness. Oh my gosh, if someone were screaming for light in his life, it was Brian.

I can say from my "outside looking in" vantage point, Brian was thirsty for something that shiny things cannot quench. It's a demanding yearning for something bigger and better.

I want to let all of you know this. When you have that kind of "thing" in you. The latest IPhone isn't enough. The latest XBox game isn't going to do it.

Jesus said to a prostitute at a well (John 4), "Everyone who drinks of this water shall thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life."

Jesus said, "If any man is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink." John 7

It sounds simplistic and maybe even contrite. I am a Christian, and is everything rosy? Um....not by any stretch of the imagination. Is everyday filled with butterflies and angels? No. Is everyday a struggle where I wonder if I am doing the right things for myself and my family? Yes, daily. Is everyday a struggle? Yes. Everyday can be very dissatisfying. Everyday, I need to look for the shiny things, I need to look for help, I need to remember, this isn't all there is. Daily I do remember that all of this stuff I have in front of me is not all there is and I know there is a purpose and order to all of this, because of God.

Knowing there is eternity. Knowing that all the things I have surrounded myself with are not the end all of my existence makes my mundane, stressful life make sense. If I didn't have a relationship with the Christ who provides living water of eternity, and I came to realization that all I have was my run down house, chicken coop, Wii, and cell phone (water that doesn't quench).....I can see very quickly how Brian hit that point of despair. Those toys are very dull and not so shiny anymore.

Please think of this today. It's not hard, it's simple. Taking a moment to pray to God, ask for His living waters to be in your life, to guide your life, is simple. Going to a church where that truth is central is the next step. I am pleading with you as a human being who is hurting after watching someone else hurt, please don't let it get to a point where nothing consoles you. You are too important to me. You are even more important to God.

It's so simple, yet can be so complicated.