That Pesky Adoption "Thing"

I wrote about this long long ago. Some of the weird questions and situations I have gotten myself into just by being an adoptive mom.

I have said that the worst, and I mean it, thing someone can say.......and I pause here to clarify, this is always said by the deliverer with the best of intention......"Now watch, once you adopt a baby, you'll get pregnant."

While we were preparing to adopt and directly after we had adopted both of our kids, hands down that was the most common thing said to us. When the kids were babies, it was said to us by someone to us daily.

Just to recap why that actually just pours salt on a wound is this:

1) By the time a person has made the huge emotional and financial investment to adopt, it is pretty clear the biological plumbing isn't working. Ours has never worked and we fall into the statistic where 70% of infertile couples never know why they are infertile. So truly, the plumbing isn't working and there has been a whole slew of expensive investigation to figure out why. To adopt is to say you are done with that roller coaster.

You have also mourned some losses. You have lost the idea that your children will look like you and have characteristics of you and your distant family. You lose the idea that your kids will related to you biologically. You have lost the childbirth experience. I know some also say to me, "You're not missing anything." Well, I do believe I am, and I have lost that experience.

2) Especially after the adopted baby arrives, people say that. So why would I want a pregnancy now that I have this little gem in my arms I have waited so long for? My oldest child was my in laws first grandchild. When another grandchild was on the way, not ours, someone actually said to them, "Isn't it great to get a real grandchild?" That person was quickly corrected.

I have been asked this, "Now that you have an adopted baby, watch, you'll get pregnant with a real baby!" Let me tell you, our children are not imaginary. They are our children. I can't tell you how dismissive that feels to both my children and myself. It degrades what we have, and what we have is pretty special.

Okay, at a candle party two weeks ago. The gal, K, who hosted the party, has been in the mires of adoption/infertility. She has been married a long time. We have had long long talks, and I try to encourage her as much as I can.

Sure enough.....a nice lady said it, "K, watch, once you adopt you'll get pregnant. You're just stressed out."

Reason number three why not to say that sentiment to infertile couples.....ready, it wasn't pretty.....her face turned red, and I could see the pure frustration coming forth. I am amazed at how controlled her response was verbally compared to her physical symptoms.


K: Unless you can get him (points to the other room where her husband is working) to make sperm, I just don't think that is going to happen.

Lesson learned, unless you know why a person is adopting (lack of sperm, eggs, tubes, plumbing) it might be a good idea to not say that hot button of a statement.