So what is the itch right now? My weight. I am the typical woman who is battle weary from fighting with my weight, which I have fought all my life. Since about 2009, I have hit my highest weight ever in my life, and could really feel it internally. Both physically and psychologically. And yet, this time, I hit the point where the idea of losing the kind of weight I needed to lose seemed insurmountable. Bottom line, since January 1 of this year, I have almost climbed that Everest. And let's just summarize my year of weight loss. Yuck. Losing weight stinks. The rewards are high but the journey stinks, especially if you've had to repeat the stinky journey numerous times over your lifetime.
So what is my reflection? The spectrum of attention one receives at various sizes in one's life. Here are my observations.
When I am heavy, no one compliments me on hardly anything. I find that I have to work exceptionally harder at all I do to receive recognition. That includes work, home life, volunteering, etc. The things I get recognized are definitely accomplishments well earned. I will be honest, I prefer this kind of recognition and will go out of my way to earn it. And this won't be the first time I will be brutally honest in this post, I have been really picking this aspect of this journey apart this time around. I don't want to do this again. I also make no illusions that I have all the answers to this weird journey.
Here comes the complicated part that I am still trying to figure out, and remember I have been down this journey before. The only difference this time, I am doing this journey as a 40 something woman that is also fighting the natural aging process that makes the "bouncing back" aspect of weight loss harder and let's be honest, the "after" photo isn't as fabulous.
So I know that I am attractive to men when I am thin. Most of the time I don't care. There is all kind of baggage in this area for me. I spent most of my childhood and teen years being told daily I was fat and ugly. On this lap of the journey, those memories are coming back more keenly than ever before, and the hurt from them are making me cranky.
Interesting thing happened last summer. I had the opportunity to gently confront a middle school bully. I was gentle but firm. His constant teasing/belittling/bullying had exceptional teeth to it. So via email I let him know. His first response was an "Oh well, I was bullied too." I came back to that with a "I was bullied and never bullied others. Cop out. Try again." He apologized. I accepted. I think I bullied him into an apology, but I am okay with that. I think my motives were much more pure than his were 30 years ago.
So here is the interesting thing that always starts to happen at this end of the journey. The chatty conversations from men who are complete strangers. It doesn't happen whatsoever at the heavy side of the journey. It happens at the skinny side. It also is a rough adjustment when you have felt ugly and gross for awhile to suddenly have an onslaught of perky stranger conversations. It is logical to conclude these men, from every different walk of life, are acting like God wired them. However, it is a hard pill to swallow as the woman who has changed nothing about herself except her waist size. I am still the hard working, smart, successful, mom, wife, volunteer who worked hard for recognition on the heavy side of the journey. I might have been a little more out of breath upon arrival to the party, but nothing has changed.
So last week, my youngest took his first gymnastics class. The class lasted for over an hour. The dad sitting two chairs away from me, chatted the entire time to me only. Okay, I understand a quick introduction and cursory details, but when someone is holding up their Kindle like a fortress in an attempt to seem busy.....it's nuts. I can guarantee that would not have happened a year ago. These situations give me the heebie jeebies, and I have no idea how to tell you why except to say I know these strangers only know me by my looks, are judging me by my looks, and responding. I don't like being judged by my looks alone. Of all people, I know this about myself.....my looks can change drastically, and just because this season they are pleasing, just wait until after the holidays and I have eaten 12,000 calories. He may not be so chatty then. That is what annoys me the most probably, knowing it's strictly the looks......yet underneath the waistline, I know I am an accomplished person but because of the exterior, those accomplishments could easily be dismissed and not noticed. Stop a second and reread that statement. All genders should be a little frightened by the inherent truth in it.
I also am finding on this particular journey, as the weight painstakingly has come off.....the opportunities have increased. I have been offered more chances this year to step into leadership roles, writing, speaking, meeting with amazing people, etc. Yet, a year ago, I was running for office and really sticking my neck out there and hustling for the opportunities that are falling in my lap right now. How odd......I also don't think coincidental.
Or here is another one. I was at a meeting last night where I met someone who I had met last spring and I said, "I am not sure you remember me....." This gentleman said, "Of course I do, I always remember an attractive woman." I have to say, I blushed like a silly school girl! What is the difference? I have no idea. Remember I started this post saying I would be honest and I don't have the answers. I will say this, the person is a local political celebrity, and I have immense respect for him. So I think because he 1) remembers me and 2) complimented me, did it. But again, he doesn't know me, so it was the God wired man reaction I realize, but it was a nice one liner, not the gymnastics class 90 minute chat marathon.
Men, sorry. I am being picky. How do you compliment a woman who has lost weight without sending her into therapy? If you know her, and have watched the weight loss, you will make her day if you say, "You look great!" if you don't know her well, but notice her, same statement makes her day. Not sure what I can tell you on the long chatty conversations. She may have been a size six her whole life and doesn't care. Or she may be like most of us, and have experienced some part of the journey where we know you will only have that chat if we look a certain way.....then you might just want to keep it short, especially if the Kindle logo is right in your line of sight.
What do I enjoy at this end of the journey? I enjoy when someone I know, who has known me thick and thin, gives the simple statement, "You look great!" Why? Because that person also compliments me on the other end of the journey on my other more important accomplishments. Those accomplishments that have lasting effects, life on this earth after I am gone, and eternal results. Me losing weight, while is good in the whole scheme of my health, longevity and keeping in working order the vessel God put me in....let's be honest, has no longevity in the lives of the humans I interact with.
Seeing the light at the end of the journey.....
1 comment:
Such a reflection of so many of my own thoughts. Thanks for sharing this.
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