Signals I Send Myself

So I told you about my weight loss for 2011. It has been a long and difficult journey that I have done too many times in my lifetime. I pray my psychology stays as good as it is now and I can continue this path.

So I want to make a huge goal for 2012. I want it to be as scary and tentative as I felt with my goal a year ago. Goals, by definition, suggest the high possibility of failure. And truthfully, let's agree, that is the hardest part, admitting failure.

Here is my goal. I want to run a half marathon by the end of 2012. There I said it in print and publicized it.

Why do I want to do this? Honestly, I don't have a big lightbulb kind of reason. I am not running to fund raise for a cure, or raise awareness, or become a tri-athlete. I am running because I recognize the journey of weight loss recovering my health doesn't just stop with a number on my Wii fitness scale. I recognize it needs to continue with continued health goals for myself that will continue to build on that number on the scale. So I asked myself what could I do that would truly stretch myself and yet be somewhere in the realm of achieve-able.

Plus just a wee bit crazy. This is crazy for me. I have never ever ever been a runner type. The times I have been in the best shape, I have been swimming or doing intense aerobics, with swimming being the best. Running, not on my radar by any stretch.

So as I reflect back to a year ago at this time, and get ready to try to do something else, I am reflective as to where I was a year ago, and here are my thoughts:

* I was the heaviest I have ever been in my life and hated it. I felt like I had tried every diet, and tried to focus on health, but truth be told, put some chips and warm parmesan dip in front of me, it was easy to ignore that I was eating too much.

* In terms of exercise, I do enjoy walking and I couldn't. When I would start walking the dog, I would get incredibly painful shin splints that made my calves burn. It was alarming and scary to me. When I started losing the weight and tried walking again, and there was no pain, I was able to easily see how overweight people become sedentary quickly. It scared me.

* I wasn't confident and I felt like hiding in a corner most of the time. If invited to a fun event, I would cringe at the thought of trying to find something to wear that would hide all I was trying to hide.

* I could barely walk up my stairs without being out of breath.

* Physically I could feel those subtle signals of my body telling me this is getting to a scary place. The aches and pains, easily fatigued, numbness in my extremities, shortness of breath, burning in my legs, etc. I could ingore it and excuse it as aging or I could be honest with myself.

So I did, for the ten thousandth time, a simple calorie counting regime. I didn't look at long term goals at all .I looked to stay in my calorie goal for a day. Then another, and another. Then a week. I gave myself the teaser that if I did it for a month, I could weigh myself. Yep, weight came off. I fully believe that to be successful at weight loss you need to see measurable results the first time you measure. So don't measure on the first day and don't measure after messing up and eating a bad meal. Measure when you know you've had a month of day to day success then do it. That is your motivator. Now do that again in a month.

So what am I specifically looking for in my training for a half marathon. Here they are:

* I don't want to have to kill myself. That is why I am giving myself a year. If you look around for half marathon preparations, you can do it quickly in a few months and also run the risk of injury and for me, honestly, burn out. I only have so much time to dedicate to this.

* I want to see the last 10-15 pounds come off and go down one more size.

* I want this to lead to a lifestyle of some kind of weekly workout three times a week. If I get tired of running, I will switch to something else.

* I want to be able to show my kids how to set a goal and do it. I have done that with the weight loss, so now we keep going and do more. Tonight as I was putting on my running shoes, my six year commented, "Mom! You can really see you've lost weight!" They need to see me make good choices, and how to set goals and achieve them.

* This is also a kind of "Bucket List" thing. I want to be able to say I did this cool thing, even if only once, I think that is cool. However, if I like it, honestly, next year, let's do the full deal and run a marathon. Just a thought.

So as I write this, I took a baby step tonight. I realize it's not even Christmas yet, and I should just enjoy the cookies and fudge. Trust me, I am having a bite or two here and there, but the thought of undoing all the weight loss hard work is just an awful thought to me. So tonight, I put on a pair of running shoes, running pants, my stainless steel athletic bra, and went on my usual 2 mile walk with the dog. As I was walking, some of the literature I have been reading to get started has you running and walking in intervals. So I tried it. I completely surprised myself, I did about half of my 2 mile walk at a run. Why is that so shocking to me? There is no way on this green earth that could have happened a year ago, and here I am running and it feels good! I almost stopped and cried. I am now hooked. I am looking to do that three times a week until I can comfortably do the full two miles at a run. Then we'll start talking about 10K training, which is basically about a half of a half marathon. Remember, steps. I need to see some kind of achievable steps in a month, just like last year.

And the weight loss? My goal right now, maintain through the holidays. That gives me permission to have a few treats and be realistic. However, come January 1, the calories are getting counted and we are on full committment three times a week, walk/run intervals until we are up to two miles three times a week. I am looking at the end of February being able to do that. 

Those are the signals my body is sending me. I am loving it.