Adoption Updates

That time of year has arrived. For BH's birthparents, we are contractually required to send updates about him.

I don't like to say it that way. I honestly wish I could do this for JM's birthparents, but they didn't want updates, and their story is completely different.

But BH's does. I really enjoy doing this. I feel like we are putting together a care package for them, and I try to make it as special as possible. We are required to send a letter that contains developmental updates, medical updates, and general well being. I am also required to send at least a dozen photographs that are high quality and even portrait quality. Again, I use the word "require" to describe the reality of it, but it's pure joy to do it. I would do it even if were just asked of me. I would do it if I knew that the person would receive it.

What do I actually do? I send a two page letter updating them from the previous letter. I write the letter as if I am writing to a close family member. Why? Because these people are, maybe not in the most traditional sense, but they are family in the adoption sense. All new things BH has been doing including all medical updates. As he gets older those are not such a focus. He has had some minor medical issues since birth and we always address any updates regarding that.

Pictures? I send at least two dozen and put dates on the backs of all of them. The one that was done above was a portrait we had done of the boys in December, and I love it. We had some more traditional ones done but I love this because it shows their skin so beautifully. I know, it's a little artsy and not everyone likes them, but I sure do! In other words, I tend to go way overboard of what I am required to do.

I honestly enjoy doing this. Why? Because if I were a birthparent, I would want this. I also want to do this because it is yet another opportunity to thank birthparents for their gift.

I say this because I do talk to people who think open adoption means having all these visits, talking on the phone, emailing, etc. Yes, there are plenty of open adoptions like that. But those are relationships that have been nurtured and have come to a point of familiarity where that is comfortable for them. I encourage anyone considering adoption to not discount those kinds of open adoptions. It is a relationship that requires nurturing.

Our relationship with BH's birthparents was agreed to be on paper. Many many open adoptions are like this. It may seem easier than the above scenario, but I do miss one thing tremendously. I would love to hug both of my son's birth moms hard. I would want to whisper in their ear while hugging them what a brave and courageous person I think they are. I have never had that opportunity with either child's birthmoms. However, I try as hard as I can to do it every time it is picture time.

It is the least I can do. I wish I could do more.

As I am prepping myself to do this next package, something nice has come up. I was talking to JM about how we need to do this, and think of nice things to say and send. Of course, he started asking about his birthmom, and I did the run down of the answers. What is her name, what was she like, how old is she, who is my birth father, etc. I also explained that her life is a bit complicated and having contact would have made things difficult for her. But hopefully someday we can meet her and talk to her.

JM asked if he could write a letter to her. I explained to him that he could, but we may not be able to mail it right away, but we would hang onto it for her. At that moment, I had a "duh!" Many many adoption resources I have speak to this very thing. Having kids write letters at different ages to their birthparents, to hopefully be given to them at a later date. If anything to have those special letters to look back on. Of course!

So we talked about how he could write a letter to his birthmom and we would save it for her. I also asked if he would like to write a letter to BH's birthparents telling them how much he loves having his little brother, how much fun he is, etc. JM says he wants to do this but, "I need to think about it." So he's thinking about it. I think he's thinking about how annoying his little brother is.

We are having this conversation in the car on the way to school. Whenever we have a bit of a "deep" conversation about adoption, I let his teacher know. He usually continues to talk about it in class, and she is great in making sure he isn't inadvertently opening himself up to being teased and making sure it's a teaching moment. So as I am talking to her, of course, the tears begin. Anytime I have this kind of a talk with JM or anyone, the tears begin. Why? Two women out there gave me children from their womb to raise. How incredible is that? That is a gift I can never repay, and it humbles me to tears. It makes me cry every time.

I hope JM does write the letter to BH's birthparents. How special would that be for BH's birthparents to receive that? Also I am hoping this also helps JM work through that he doesn't have that kind of contact with his birth mom. I am anticipating that conversation someday too. I really do think that someday we will meet her.

Anyway, it's a special season. Care packages are being assembled. Pictures are being ordered and assembled. Letters are being written. I am looking forward to this particular season as JM comprehends his adoption story even more.

I need to find a tissue....