Let's Be a Little More Serious...

I have a testimony about my icky past that I share quite often and willingly to anyone who will listen. I am not quite sure how I would feel posting it on the world wide web for all to scrutinize, so I won't do it here. Those of you who know me, know it, and that is good enough for me. It has been a long time since I have been asked to speak on this. It was when JM was a baby, and he is turning seven in a few weeks.

God is up to something. I have been asked to speak at a pro-life fundraiser in southern Oregon in April. I am happy to do it. The chairman of the board of this organization is one of my best friend's in the whole world. This organization is also going through some pretty big growing pains. Because my friend and I have worked in this kind of ministry in the past, she knew she could count on me while focusing on other things. Again, I am beyond happy to do it, and am very much looking forward to it. Please pray for me as I dust off some of the words, update them, and polish them--this is a fairly formal event. If anyone wants to have a nice evening of some thoughtful speakers, not just me, please feel free to contact me for details. Events like this are always eye opening for pro life information and reflection.

Know what else is weird? Suddenly my husband is finding opportunities at his job to open up lines of communication and ministry in this same area. There may be another opportunity to share my testimony at his workplace, which I haven't done...oh my....since like 1998. Times have changed since then and doors are opening more and more as the need seems to there.

Additionally, I have been asked to be a small part of a fund raiser in the city I live with the same pro life organization. I used to work for them until the kids came along, and now, it seems appropriate. I need to attend some meetings and get some flyers going and just start participating. That is on May 10th.

All within a few weeks, this is suddenly happening. God wants me to move in ministry again, I hear that.

What is so cool as I think about getting things ready for this speaking event, I get to reflect back over the course of years, almost two decades, since my complete fall on my face in sin. It was all consuming, all emotional, all destructive and bad. I lived my life in the aftermath just white knuckling it. I didn't know how to deal with it. I remember telling myself, when it gets too hard to handle, I will end it. I was always on the verge of suicide for about 1-3 years I would say. Yucky huh?

But who is that person?? I don't recognize the person I see as I pull out my testimony and read it. That was me, and I can't recognize myself. Why? Because God healed me. Not only did He heal me, He has taken it all away.

What does that look like? I hardly ever at all think about that horrible time in my life. Rarely, usually in moments like this when I am asked to look back. If you had told me in 1994 that in 2008, I would hardly if ever think about my yuck, I would look at you like you had five eyeballs. Are you nuts?

If you had told me that not only does God heal us from our sin, but as Scriptures say, He gives gifts to those He loves and what lovely gifts those are too....I would have looked at you like those eyeballs were suddenly turning into ears on your face. What world are you from? No way.

If you would have told me I would have confidence in who I am as a Christian woman, no way. I would say the most important thing I have learned in my walk along the way, my identity in Christ. Simple yet profound--anyone can say anything about me, it doesn't matter. Specifically, to my sin and shame. They may speak truth, "AM, you have committed horrible things. How do you live with yourself?" I actually had a Christian friend say something very similar to that to me. Ouch! How do you deal with the fact that she is saying the truth? How do you not just cower in shame? PING! Bounces right off of me, that is not my identity. My identity is no longer shame. Christ says about my sin and shame, "Your sins have been washed away and you are without shame. You are without sin." What Jesus says about me is the truth--not what my friend says, forget about adversaries!

God also says He gives gifts to those He loves. What gifts are that? The gift of a husband who has walked through the valley of the shadow of death with me while I dealt with this pile of manure. Two children who have a mom who is fully there, and not absent in her own shame. Absent because she doesn't feel worthy to be called "Mom". Those are gifts! Thank you, Jesus! He has given me ministry opportunities that take my awful sin and turn it around to His glory. He has been glorified and given the spotlight because of His work in me, and if that doesn't build your confidence, I don't know what will.

To God be the glory, great things He has done. I am looking forward to the next few months, and watching His work unfold.