Oh my word! Here is craziness personified! Read this article first, then if you're not sick to your stomach, feel free to read what I have to say about it.
I know that domestic adoptions get a bad rap. I get the question all the time, "Are you afraid the biological parents are coming back someday." My answer, "No". Without completely boring you with a lot of legalities, unless a birth mother can claim that my adoption agency and any of their caseworkers, my husband or myself coerced them into placing their baby with us--it's a done deal. When a birth mother, and a birth father, are standing there with a caseworker, getting ready to sign their termination of parental rights, a good caseworker usually says things like "Are you sure? Do you understand that by signing this.....? Do you know that you have no recourse after signing this?" There are witnesses to this little conversation because we want everyone to know and be witness to the fact that no one was coerced. Caseworker then takes custody of the baby.
That conversation is tense, tear filled, and difficult. That is why we had three adoptions fall through before our second son, BH, came into our arms. It was at that moment I just described where it fell apart. Why? Because a birth mother has the right to change her mind. As difficult at it was (ask anyone who was around us, it was horrifying) I understand that a birth mother has the right to change her mind--before she signs that all important piece of paper. After that, well....then we have situations like this.
I can also say this--both biological families of my kids know what state we live in, and that is it. They do not know any identifying information about us at all. First names only. That is on the advice and counsel of our caseworkers. Is that how all adoptions are? No, but you can request that and make that part of your agreement, which we did. By the way, both bio families didn't want excessive contact, so identifying information would be moot. In other words, be wise and know you can make your desires for "openness" known and request that. I know a lot of adoptive parents. I don't know any of them that meet with the bio parents of their kids. If that baby described in that article was my adoptive kid, bio mother would not know where I live or even my last name. If she wanted to contact us, she would need to send a message through our attorney or adoption agency.
Would that be so bad if they did want to contact us? Not at all. If either one of them wanted something from us that was reasonable (ie extra pictures, home video, updates, maybe a phone call) we are beyond happy to give it to them. Why? They gave us a piece of their soul when they gave their baby to us. We want to honor that decision, and one way we can do that is be reasonable to any request they make. Have they made any requests? No.
My point in that story, if that birth mother wants to change her mind--there are legal ways about it. The irony is this--does she think by kidnapping a baby at gunpoint, a judge will say "You're right. You should have this baby now"? I predict that baby will be returned to the adoptive parents, and this birth mom has some kidnapping charges coming her way.
Why? Because courts don't waver anymore, like the stories you heard 10+ years ago. Toddlers taken away from the only parents they knew, custody battles, etc. You don't hear that garbage anymore because of rock solid legislation keeping that from happening.
Thank you to the police agencies who didn't take sides or stop and think twice about whether they should go get this baby! That is a whole another blog. Can of worms!
I have never been postpartum, but that comes to mind as well in this scenario.
If I can say this to anyone who is considering adoption, or reads things like this and say "no way!" and it just adds fuel to your already "I couldn't handle that"--please think again. Stories like this are in the news for a reason--they are preposterous, outlandish, and newsworthy. Over 30,000 adoptions a year are done in the United States. One bad apple does not a bad experience make.
Kids need homes.
PS The picture above is the day we took custody of our youngest, way back in 2005. Can you tell I just got back from Hawaii? Nice tan huh?
2 comments:
Great post, AM! Very informative, even for me. You are a great writer. Has anyone ever told you that?
I have always thought I was a verbose writer. Thank you! I look at some of my blogs and think "Lord, who would want to read all that?" Thank you! One of my goals with my blog is that anytime I write about adoption, it will dispel myths. And there are a lot of myths, one being that there will be constant fear of birth parents coming back to haunt you. Another being that by having contact with them, you will encourage them to change their mind. It just isn't so.
Thank you!! Especially since I felt this post in particular was all over the map and unfocused.
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