I love what I do because I meet so many people, from so many places, different walks of life, different stories to tell.
Recently, an example of what happens to me all the time happened at a candle party. I'll use this as an example for you of some of the things I get to chat about with folks. One of the guests, M, starts asking me adoption questions as things are winding down. Candle parties being a social event that brings about a nice atmosphere for conversations.
Turns out M is the adoptive mother of a little girl from China. They are working on a second child from China. Our initial conversation centers around the myths I have addressed here regarding domestic adoptions. Birth parents intruding in adoptive parent's lives, birth parents coming back and taking children, bad adoption workers not getting paperwork done that prevents those things, etc. I can honestly say, I think she felt comforted that this doesn't happen regularly anymore. The key is to find a good adoption agency.
Please see my past blog dated 7/22/2007 (that long ago??) specifically addressing some bad press. Also please see my blog dated 8/16/2007 just addressing concerns I hear all the time. Onto the candle party...
We started talking about our journeys that brought us to adoption. For both her and I, it's infertility. I won't tell you her story here, because that is for her to tell, but it was a good conversation.
She spoke to how when they decided to adopt over a specific infertility treatment, some people close to their lives bucked at it and questioned, "Why would you adopt instead of XXXX?" Because that is what they have decided. By the way, the procedure she spoke of costs as much as some adoptions, with a very low success rate.
We also talked about that "thing" that happens to all couples after they have been married a few years. "Are you planning to have a family?" starts swirling around conversations. Especially as others start having their kids. We have all experienced that. As we talked about it, I had a lightbulb moment.
We all know couples that have been married several years without kids. M was one and I was as well. And that simple question starts coming and doesn't quit, "Are you planning to have kids?" Or the silly version "When are you going to give grandkids to your parents?"
The real question behind that is "why haven't you had kids yet?" It's a nosy question, and I admit sometimes I am nosy too.
Okay, there are two answers to that question in this scenario.
1) The couple has chosen to not have kids, in which case, the answerer has the rolled eyes and "here we go again" look on their face. Putting myself in their shoes I would get annoyed always having to state the apologetic for choosing not to have kids.
2) The couple is infertile. In which case, that is an incredibly hurtful question. Trust me, they're trying with all their might! Both M and I agreed to having moments where we are screaming inside "You have no idea!"
I had never thought of that. No matter how nicely or jokingly you ask that curious question to a long time married person--no good can come from the answer.
The inquirer will either get the exasperated "because we don't want to." Or the look of hurt because she just got her monthly cycle for the millionth time after having a really expensive procedure.
No good can come from that question. That was my lightbulb moment. If I am ever compelled to ask that question, and I haven't asked it in a long time....I will choose to remain in my state of curiousity. I am really saying this for myself as well, because I have been guilty of this, and I know I have caused someone a little heartache.
One cool thing that came from this, two of my good friends listened in a bit and saw some new aspects of adoption. I thought that was kind of cool too.
3 comments:
This was a good post, thanks. It can be such a hurtful place to be in. Especially at family gatherings which will be happening in the next few months. And people who are not in that situation don't understand it at all. I once read an article comparing infertility to cancer. You wait and wonder, will it work? will it happen? I run into quite a few adoptive families through my work. I like hearing peoples stories.
Another question to avoid, yet sometimes its easy to just ask it without thinking.. "Do you have kids?" Its a simple question really, and its a yes/no type of question, no big deal right? But yeah, Im sure you remember the punch in the gut feeling that felt like for the billionth time that week, right?
I think once I got over my infertility as best I could, and was completely comfortable in my adoption journey and having as ethical adoption as possible, that question became a LOT easier to answer, because it gave me a chance to educate someone (which happened often)
These are good reminders. May I add my own perspective? I have lived an entire life of having people ask questions that are uncomfortable or embarrassing. Since I have a very visible, although rather insignificant "disability", clear into my childhood I have always had the occasional question, "what's wrong with your back? Does it cause you any pain? Oh you poor thing." etc. etc."
Now, I fall into that category of an older married person with no children. We have considered adoption, and decided we probably won't do it. The door's not necessarily closed, but unlikely. Now I am asked if I have kids or if we are going to have kids. Many of our friends know that we were considering adoption and ask if we are going to do it. These are also uncomfortable questions.
I have found that when I am in these situations, it is good to remember that a question is just a question until the response is met with a judgment. People don't intend to be rude or unkind when they ask questions. I would rather be asked a question than have someone just assume that they know the answer. Questions can lead to wonderful fellowship or new understanding.
Let's all remember that each person's journey in their life is different. The decisions they have made are equally different and no one answer is necessarily the right one or wrong one.
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