Got our heads around this!

I think we have this whole racial thing under control now. No worries!

Here is what was happening. JM was coming home almost every day saying kids were making fun of him in general, then he started saying specifically H was doing it. Then it was becoming racially directed. The words and the person were pretty specific.

Now, I am not the kind of mom who thinks her kids are complete angels and would never do anything wrong. They do--often, and so do I. JM many times is not just the victim. If he tells you a kid has done something to him and you ask him what he did to the kid--you'd be surprised! He can pick on other kids as good as the others! I have made it abundantly clear--if you want to not be teased, don't tease. If you want to be treated nice, then be nice.

Here is how we got to the bottom of it. I went and told the principal what was being said. She and I prayed about it, which was comforting. She did some sleuthing as well as JM's teacher that day. Mrs. K, the teacher, was a gem! She is awesome at asking probing questions and the kids don't even know she is probing. She also assigned her assistant to kind of shadow JM that whole day.

Two things came out--JM denied to Mrs. K and the principal that he had said these things to me. Did your stomach just drop? Mine did too when the principal called me. Mrs. K. also left me a message saying the same thing. What is going on??! It is hard to catch Mrs. K because, of course, she is teaching. We all agree that JM and I will stay after school and figure this out.

Aside here--JM can lie. Show me a kid who doesn't. But he has really spun some good yarns lately that just floor me. I realize after calling the hubbie--we might have just gotten sucked into one. And not only that, JM has pulled a lot of other adults into this. Let's make a list: R and A, the two adults he told at soccer, and it upset them. My husband and myself. The other transracial adoptive couple we asked for advice from on Sunday. The principal and Mrs. K. Plus, possible the little boy who was falsely accused! Now remember, on Friday night, I sat down with JM and said to him, "No stories here, buddy. I need the absolute truth. Tell me what is going on at school." He lied to my face.

I also told him I would talk to the principal on Monday. He had three days to say "Ummm...Mom...maybe you shouldn't". I think he basked in the little bit of extra attention he got over the weekend. I even reminded him Monday morning I was going to talk to her, and he still didn't say anything. Yet, two hours later, deer in the headlights, "I didn't say anything like that, Mrs. K!"

When I picked up JM and the other kids were being picked up by their parents, I pulled him aside. I told him we were staying after school to talk to the teacher and the principal. I didn't start questioning him at all. I told him when the principal and Mrs. K come, he needs to start telling the truth, and he will need to start apologizing because he has been lying to one of us. He stood there and thought a minute...."Okay, Mom, here goes." I really didn't want him to just tell me, I wanted him to tell us all, but he told me. He lied and what a lie he told! All of the racially charged accusations were a lie.

He could have really gotten that other little boy in trouble if the principal and Mrs. K. hadn't done some sleuthing. I asked him where in the world he came up with such words! They were absolutely racially charged. He said, in his head. Okay, clue there, but that is the second thing....keep reading...but at the moment, he had to apologize to his teacher and his principal.

Mrs. K. nailed him. She made it clear she accepted the apology, but that she would have a hard time trusting him, she also pointed out that lying feels so good in the beginning, but it creates a big mess, it will be hard to stop lying, but he needs to ask God for help. She has JM's number dialed in. She also pointed out to him she saw him lie about something else that day, and she just ignored him. I just stood back and watched her work. Obviously, she is doing what she is gifted at, and that is first graders! I was impressed.

The principal was sweet and accepted his apology and gave him a hug. Told him always to come and talk to her if he ever needs to talk.

I was so embarrassed, you have no idea!! I also have my two friends who were lied to. Well, JM has to call them and apologize. I emailed them ahead of time to warn them, and of course, nothing but graciousness from them. I also encouraged them to tell him that he caused them to worry about him needlessly. He needs to also see that he hurt others, and that they will accept his apology.

Oh my word! What a mess! The second big thing that came out from all of this--the next day at school, Mrs. K. pulled me aside to tell me about a conversation JM had with another student that the assistant heard. JM was asking another student, "What color is my skin? What color is my face?" The child answered, "Black." (Given the chance, he might even come home and tattle that someone called him black in a bad way....see the lie? Yes, the kid said he was black, but JM also asked!) Then JM pointed to another African American student and cried out, "She's black!" Well, that isn't nice to do to her only because he made it sound like being black was bad, and the teacher and I talked about all of this. JM seems to be going through a kind of racial identity search and he's asking all the questions of his peers, and confusing himself and them in the process. Plus, he's going to make himself a target if he doesn't chill out. Okay! Now I have got it!

Now, we have some redemption here. I had a nice sit down with JM this morning before school. I encouraged him to always come to Mom and Dad with those kinds of questions. We want to answer them! Plus they can sometimes be complicated and his friends may not be able to answer them. His big point was, "Mom, I am not black, I am brown. So why do they say black?" Do you see how this whole mess came about from just that little point right there? Six year old semantics spun with six year old lying. Lots of talking, lots of encouraging, lots of open discussion.

What a mess!