Adoption's questions...

I love being an adoptive mom. I know it's a calling from God for me. I have to be careful when I start a post on adoption because it becomes huge quickly. I have so many thoughts, beliefs, knowledge, questions people have asked me, etc. It's hard to compartmentalize them.

I met a woman last weekend at a candle party kind of far from my home, and it turns out she lives right down the street from us. She had a few questions about adoption because it is something she and her husband and are considering. I meet people at this point in their lives all the time. Unfortunately, many people don't move from "thinking about it" to putting a verb on it and "doing it." Understandably, that is a leap, and we all know that those can be scary. From my impression of her, she's a verb kind of a gal. I also pointed her to this blog because of the resources I put in it.

Here are my bullet thoughts on whether anyone should go from "thinking" to "doing".

1) Infertility. If you are considering adoption because of infertility issues, good for you! It's a great option, and I daresay, a better option financially. Since the accepted cost for one IVF treatment is about $10,000-the same price for a minority adoption in the United States, it is more cost effective with a better guarantee than the accepted 10% success rate of an IVF procedure.

2) Infertility. If you have decided after all the infertility procedures, you're ready for adoption. You need to grieve the loss of your fertility. You will need to grieve that your children will not come from your body, whether you're the mom or the dad. You need to grieve that you will not experience pregnancy and childbirth. You will need to grieve that your children will not look like you. As a woman, you will need to run the gamut of feelings along the lines of, "My body is broken and doesn't work right. I am still a woman." You need to grieve there for awhile. If you actually know it's your husband's fertility issue, you need to grieve that for awhile.

If you're like us, and about 70% of all infertile couples, you will never find out the reason why. There is absolutely no reason why my husband and I can't produce children. Trust me, we've had the plumbing checked more than should be allowed. We do know that God's purpose for us as parents, is to be adoptive parents. There is extreme confidence and comfort in that.

3) Financial. I get asked all the time how expensive it is. Here is where this post can get lengthy. You can spend a lot of money on adoption, I grant you that. I recommend two ways to adopt "cheap" and one big financial resource.

a) Adopt a minority baby/child from America. You will find that scenario to be one of the cheapest adoptions. You don't have international fees, visas, travel, etc. And there are a lot of babies available, so you won't wait nearly as long. Please see my link to Heritage Adoption Services. They also work with military families in Europe! Nice huh?

b) Haiti. Although the country is piling a bit of red tape onto adoptions, it is one of the cheapest international adoptions. I know several other African countries are opening up but I hesitate to recommend any one of them because political unrest in those countries turns on a dime. (Ask Madonna, she adopted from a country with no adoption policy.) As political as Haiti can get, even in the middle of a coup, they adopt their kids out.

c) Tax credit! The year that you take custody of your awesome child, you get a one time $10,000 tax credit and can claim a dependent. So you take out a loan, and then you pay it back. Adoption workers scream about that credit from the top of rooftops, and it doesn't seem to reach the masses. So I am adding to that voice. That $10,000 is a huge difference whether a family can adopt or not.

4) Emotional. If anyone was around our family two years ago when we had just a mess going on with adoption, you know is can take a huge toll. I don't want to give any more time and effort to that mess, but suffice it to say, we had to dig deep to find it in our guts to continue the process of adopting our second child. I have only ever been to that complete end of my emotional rope once ever in my life before, and it's not good. I thank God for the support of specific friends and family who really picked me and put me on my feet. It was a bad time.

So, if you are going (see the verb?) to adopt. Here is my pep talk--put on your courage.

It can be a rough road. So can childbirth. I have a friends who have had two pregnancies end in stillbirth just recently. Childbirth has it's own set of risks for losing children. I say that because I am told all the time, "Childbirth seems easier." Ask anyone who has had a complicated C-section and a stillbirth, not so. Life is risky. Some of the best blessings in life come from doing something just a bit risky, and honestly, adoption is fairly low risk.

You are one of the heads of your family. You are going into this process to assemble your family, fight for your family, and be in charge of your family. Don't let adoption workers railroad you (I can think of three who railroaded me, and I paid dearly for it). You need to speak up if you are feeling at all like you are being taken for granted, not listened to, or just plain stepped on. It happens. Honestly, I have about five adoption workers that I trust inherently, and know they are watching my back. They all work for Heritage Adoption Services. Don't trust everyone in the process. Ask lots of questions, and make sure you have clarity on everything.

5) Humor. All processes like this need humor. In the middle of the mess two years ago, I was able to find it. I was in Hawaii, getting ready to come home, when a caseworker called me and asked if they could show our profile to a birthfamily. My answer, "Sure! Show it to the homeless guy on the street as you walk across the parking lot as well!" She had no response to that, except to say she would take that as a yes to show the birth family. Sure enough, that was BH's birth family.

In the whole humor category, you need to find humorous answers to platitudes. Here is a sampling of what I hear almost weekly:

"Now that you have adopted children, do you still want to have real children?"

"JM and BH, are very real. They are not imaginary."


"You got off easy! You didn't have to go through childbirth!"

"No, my scars are much more hidden than that. Trust me, I have gone through pain to adopt."


"Now that you have adopted, watch, you'll get pregnant."

There is no humor to this one. After all I have written here, I think we can all agree that statement is really misguided, yet well intentioned, yet painful too. Basically, I have grieved that loss. I am not and cannot hope in my body anymore. We all know someone who adopted and had an "oops" pregnancy. Realistically, it happens to about 8% of adoptive parents. That is too low for anyone to hope in. We have all seen what crazy people we women become when we're in the throws of infertility treatment--I can't go there ever again. Oh my word, that is a completely different post by itself.

6) We'll do it again. Yes, after all of that, we will probably adopt again. Why? Because there is nothing more fulfilling than to have tiny little arms squeeze you around the neck, run their fingers in your hair and say, "I yuv you, Momma, mo mush!"

There is nothing better than watching as you child's eyes light up as they realize they can read. Or ride a bike without training wheels for the first time. Or swim with their face in the water. Watching them score eight goals at the last soccer game of the season. There is nothing better than celebrating their milestones as they grow and mature.

I'll endure pain anyday to celebrate life with my children, current and future ones.