If you look at my post from a couple of days ago "Bullets on Adoption" you will see a friend's comments about Reactive Attachment Disorder. I gave a pretty winded response, and yet feel the need to add more--so let's just start a whole new post on the issue. But I do encourage you to go and check out her concern, and she has a very valid one.
Reactive Attachment Disorder is a disorder that happens when young children have not bonded with people. Simply put. I have tried to come up with a clinical list of what it looks like. It's slippery, yet it's not. Here, read this gal's experience by clicking here. Now, have I frightened you? Just like what she writes in her letter, please don't let it frighten you. She indicates that she hesitates to write that because she so strongly believes in adoption, yet wants people to know, don't go into adopting kids with your eyes closed.
Information is power. I have a few books on attachment in my arsenal, but they are a bit dated. I did a bunch of searching, especially for one particular author who is the pioneer in this field. I came up with the list of books I have added to the blog. One of them "The Unlit Path" is the book Bella is referring to in the above link.
From my knowledge and limited training, this is what I know. Kids need to be bonded with, no matter the age, with people and it's easier to do when they are babies. When they are older, parents need to make it number one priority. Is it a guarantee that all kids coming out of Russia, India and the American foster system have RAD? No, in fact many of them do just fine. Do you have to be from such an extreme state to have RAD? No. Kids who come from divorced homes and get bounced around the family a lot can have RAD. Kids who have spent too much time in child care can have it. Children who have really absent parents (ie high on drugs constantly, away with boyfriends and girlfriends, etc) can have RAD.
Sounds hopeless huh? Well, it's not. Here are some other tidbits I have picked up along the way, and I can't remember the resources, but think they are worth noting:
1) Kids with RAD do really well in home school environments. Most of my friends are home school moms, I am the minority! Why do they do well? Because the long term, daily interaction, is bonding. Older kids don't bond by being snuggled and hugged like babies do--it is done relationally and homeschooling is great for that. Many kids with RAD do not do well in mainstream schools because they can't sit still, can't focus, and rebel a bit. Well, homeschooling takes care of a lot of that. It also offers a lot of flexibility to the student who can be creative in his/her learning that just isn't possible in a structured classroom.
2) Kids with RAD do not want to have RAD, and they don't get why they feel so broken and weird. They are not evil, they are kids. Although, read the link above, you may sometimes believe they are evil. They are not, they are reacting to the yucky set of cards life dealt them.
3) How to gauge if a kid has RAD? Now that we have a little discussion on this, go click on the link for Northwest Adoption Exchange, and look at the kid's profiles. You will see caseworker's say things like "John Doe does really well in a structured environment that has quick consequences for actions" or "John Doe has been in two foster homes but still bonds with significant adults" or "Jane Doe has a bond with her current foster parent. Staying in contact with this foster parent is key to her transition to her forever home."
Those words are the caseworkers appropriate notes to a prospective parent what they can expect bonding wise.
Also--kids with severe RAD are not placed for adoption. At least in the state I live, kids with extreme RAD are placed in intense therapeutic group homes with the hope of getting them to a point that they can be in a permanent home. Those kids have this kind of description "Jane Doe is currently in a therapy group home and making great strides. She has indicated she wants a forever home and is willing to work to make that happen." That is a kid who has hope.
4) Kids coming from foster care are not just plopped on your porch while the caseworker peels his/her tires away from your home thinking "One more kid's file off my desk. Woo HOO!" No. If you adopt from a state agency, you will have a gaggle of resources: counseling, library, support groups, etc. Adoptive parents need to ask for those resources vehemently. At least in my state, we are required to take a very intensive 12 week course before even being approved to adopt. We took that several years ago, and it was empowering. It was also conducted by a narcissistic weirdo, and I would love to take it again from someone other than him.
Foster kids also go through a huge transition into their new home. Weekends with you for like a year! Then two weeks with you, then two weeks at their foster home, and so on. Why? To build bonds. You want to get to the point where the kid finally says to you, "When can we stop all this visiting and I get to live with you?" That is a kid who has bonded with you. Harder to do when it's a cross country adoption, but still possible.
And, you know what? This may all be for nothing! A child from these hard beginnings may come into your home and have that natural resilience which gives them the ability to say "that was before, this is now, I am thankful, and I love my new parents."
I want to give you hope. When you read this, you might be thinking....so much work! I can't do all that! Well, if I found out that my biological kid, hypothetically of course, had RAD, I would jump through a thousand hoops to get him/her the help and resources they needed. If I found out my bio kid was stealing at school and getting into trouble, you bet I would intervene and get help. You would do the work if it were your bio kid.
Shouldn't it be that way for our adopted kids? After all, they are our kids. Biology doesn't guarantee a thing.
4 comments:
One of the books that I read about adoption suggested that if your child has attachment problems it is very important to find a child psychologist with experience with attachment issues. His point was that the strategies used in traditional counseling do not actually help because they tend to feed the problem.
The classes that we took were very hopeful. Our instructer mentioned some typical problems that kids from neglectful families come with and that there are very straight-forward solutions to them. the key to it being identifying what the real issue is rather than focusing too much on the behavior itself.
Absolutely! I didn't stress that enough. RAD is not something that can be fixed in the home. It needs to be addressed by a trained professional with experience in that field. Your caseworker can certainly steer you in the right direction. And yes, the solutions are not horribly difficult. Mainstream psychologists, while good hearted, may tend to just medicate and focus on symptoms rather than underlying issues. Thank you Tracy!
Thanks for this fine discussion, AM. As usual, you are intelligent and articulate.
To me, the really sad situations are those RAD children who don't get proper treatment and then grow up into RAD adults. There isn't a lot of help for them because it is hard to find appropriate attachments. RAD adults are basically emotionally infants trapped in adult bodies and the only cure is bonding with a parent-type figure. No easy answers. It's completely tragic.
As always, coming from you, your thank you means a lot. Yes, I agree it's absolutely tragic when a child with RAD becomes an adult with RAD, with no help. The problems don't go away when they turn 18--but all the state resources do. That is why I have a tender spot in my heart for teens in foster care. They are not prepared for "aging out" at all, and yet, the bottom falls out for them. They are also some of the hardest kids to place for adoption because we want small kids. I am sure somewhere in our future adoption journey, we will adopt older kids. I agree--very very tragic.
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