Defanging the beast

Here is my opinion on my stalker, and then I will tell you how I am defanging the beast. She has stalked me for years, and it is truly a mystery why. When I was younger, I was quite afraid of her. I don't know why, but I was. It's not like she could hurt me. But I need to catch myself when I say that, she had hurt me plenty and I am sure the fear was that she would do it again. Those were all fresh wounds back then.

There is so much history here, everyone, you honestly would be bored to tears-I am trying to keep this brief. Feel free to skip this post--if you want. However, I know my living with this has struck a cord with a few of my friends who have the same kind of person in their life. This is my journey for you.

I came to a conclusion a few years back. Truth in light. My stalker gains and had gained power over others most of my life by keeping secrets. I know we can all claim we come from dysfunctional families, but honestly, if you look at the actual psychology book definition--family secrets are a definite marker. Power gained by secrets is huge.

Another conclusion. When someone keeps secrets like that, it's with a shroud of shame. So add that to the secret keeping, and what happens is someone has power over you with shame. That is incredibly powerful, and once I decided to live with truth in the light and no secrets, it took the fear out of my stalker.

As an example, this is what my stalker does to my cousin-in-law. His name is LN. When I was 12, LN lived next door to us. And he was a punk. My brother and I had a love/hate relationship with LN. One day LN would play with us for a whole afternoon and it would be great--the next day he would vandalize our house. It was odd, and I think if we took a family poll, we would all agree that we never fully turned our back on LN back then.

Obviously, LN has grown up. He married my cousin, JN. I know, we all had to make a shift there. LN is no longer a punk. He is a man who supports his wife and children and is a stellar person. Honestly, since I stay away from my home town, I haven't seen him much since high school but from what the family gossip is telling me--sterling dude. I also get jealous because I also hear he does great carpentry work, but I digress. (see my post about my husband) So we all grew up and like the majority of our childhood nemesis', he grew up too.

Picture this--the whole family (without me, of course) sitting around Thanksgiving dinner. My cousin and LN. My stalker. My stalker's siblings. Another cousin with his wife. And all the kids. The chit chat is everywhere. Here is where the stalker makes her mark:

"Isn't this great? You kids all grew up so much! I can't believe it! Sometimes, JN, I can't believe you married LN. Remember, LN, when you were a kid and lived next door? That was an adventure. Remember how every Christmas, you would vandalize our house and break all the Christmas house lights we had? Oh yeah, we would find them smashed on the street in front of your house in the morning. I know you were only 12, but you think you would have been smarter to smash them somewhere else......" And on and on and on.

Meanwhile, LN is mortified and trying to use his super powers to disappear. The stalker is saying this in front of his kids! He is paralyzed with shame. Why? Because he doesn't advertise to everyone what a jerk he was as a kid, it could almost be called a secret. And my stalker knows that secret, and she just wielded the power of secrets and shame. She just took one of LN's most embarrassing and shameful moments and made it foder for conversation at Thanksgiving dinner in front of his wife's family in one paragraph. Amazing huh? That is what she is good at.

Think of something shameful and embarrassing from your past. Something that every time you think of it, you cringe inside. We all have them, including the stalker. Now imagine someone making that dinner table conversation in front of your in laws. And they do it all the time!

I do feel for LN. I am sure he goes to family events with my stalker, and just tries to steer clear. He does not look forward to family events I am sure of it. Can you also see why the high school reunion was such a concern?

Imagine someone doing that to you when you're eight years old. Painful, hurtful. So confusing why this person who is supposed to love, protect, guide and nurture would do that to you. That was my childhood, because this is constant behavior for the stalker.

Here is where I will defang the beast--no more secrets! I think her attempts to stalk me are to find information on me so she can shame me. I don't live there anymore. Shame on her for controlling people and hurting them so deeply. Truly, the only one she is embarrassing is herself. How many times have people said, "I can't believe she is saying that about her own family member!" No more secrets--just truth. I don't care what the truth is she wants to shame me with either.

I don't give a rip what information she knows about me. I don't care if she "finds out" I have a blog. I don't care if she knows I have adopted 54 kids. I don't care if she knows my address or phone number. I don't care if she knows all my childhood shameful secrets. I don't care what knowledge she has--it doesn't matter. Still not allowed to call me, visit me, see me. It's really the same as it's always been.

Can you tell I am somewhat writing this to the stalker? Yep. She would say, "Ha! I found your blog! I know your secret!"

My response, "HA! I lead you to the trap and I sprung it on you. I lead you right to it! Ha!" I have confirmation that she took a piece of bait that I put in one of my posts especially for her. She took it hook, line and sinker. I learned manipulation from the best. Brownie points if you can find it--she sure did.

That is what we do and have done for 17 years. Stupid isn't it?

How did this all start? Let me defang the beast again. Way back in October of 1990--we were cat and mousing it again. She had sent me an Easter gift months before. One of her kicks--you must send a thank you note, no exceptions. Okay, but she will send you a gift for Arbor Day to twist your arm to send a thank you note. It becomes manipulative and sick. Me, being the rebel, I didn't send a note, hee hee!! So by October, she is really hunting me down.

Aside--one time I did send a thank you note. She photocopied it and sent it back with her grammatical and critical corrections. Stupid huh? Don't send a thank you to her--it's a booby trap! Back to the story.....

She called me at like 6 am in the morning (cat caught the mouse sleeping) and we start into it. "You always send a thank you." "No you don't." "Yes, you do."

Aside here--I had done my homework. Long story short, I knew we had resources for free therapy/counseling for about six months.

I say, "Okay, stop. This has to stop. I am tired of our relationship being constant fighting. This is the only way we relate to each other. I am tired of it."

Silence.

"I won't continue this way for the rest of my life. We have a choice, either we get counseling, or we don't have a relationship." (This is so burned in my memory, you have no idea.)

"But, AM, counseling is very expensive and I don't have that kind of money."

I reveal to her that I know, and I know that she knows, we have free counseling available to us. Suddenly I am not so mousy anymore.

She says quietly, "I don't want counseling."

I say, "Then you know what you're saying?"

"Yes."

"Well then goodbye."

"Goodbye."

I still live under that agreement--that she agreed to.

How much that hurt way back then to realize my own flesh and blood would rather continue on a path of yuck--than to grow, change and have a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with me. That was a painful truth to absorb. Fortunately or unfortunately--I am not sure--it has become a blessing. Because this person continues in this manner, I have a wonderful life, because she isn't in it.

This person will read this and their immediate reaction will be "How dare AM say that?" She will email a bunch of people, fishing for who knew about this, etc. Wouldn't it be nice if she just said, "She's right. I have been a mean beast, and I need to stop." I know her revenge efforts will continue. Someone in our family said to me recently, "No one rejects her without revenge." I know--I have lived it since 1990.

Because this is my journey of keeping truth in light, I will post just occasional things she does to pick at me. It isn't revenge. It's to bring her secret, stalking behavior that many of us have tolerated for years out into the light, it's not a secret anymore. I also plan to put the humor in this. At this point, this has become 17 years of preposterous and outlandish behavior, we need to laugh at it. Case in point, I'll let you know when LN has discovered how to become invisible. This just needs to become funny, because it's been stupid and silly for too long.

Also, I will not allow anonymous comments. Just because I am not sure if it is her and this blog is not for her to find ways to communicate with me. I encourage you, if you want to remain anonymous, maybe contact me first. Or just send it anonymously with a note to me, and I'll edit it. I want this blog to be for friends and family who know how to love, support, encourage, enjoy, live, etc. without strings attached and a nasty agenda.

"These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgement in your courts; do not plot evil against your neighbor, and do not to swear falsely. I hate all this, declares the Lord." Zechariah 8:16-17

Jesus talking about false people/false prophets in our lives and warning the disciples about them...."Thus by their fruit you will recognize them." Matthew 7:20