Nothing to See Here

Adoption. My family was assembled, like millions of others, through adoption.

Race. My kids are a different race than myself and my husband.

My kids are now 13 and 9. The topic of adoption is an open subject in our household. We talk about it often and openly. I have said this before but it's worth noting again--if we don't encourage it as an open topic now, it will be a scary topic when the hard questions come.

That time is coming closer, by sheer numbers. All the experts tell us that come the early teen years, the hard questions from adoptees start. I am not afraid of them. I am anticipating them.

They begin to arrive because of the maturing process. Suddenly the larger picture is realized. Not only is adoption a great thing, but in that amazing situation of adoption comes a great loss. The questions will have a sad nature, a grieving nature. That is what the experts tell us.

I'm ready. I really am. My kids know their birth/adoption stories. When one asks for me to tell theirs, of course, the other wants me to tell his. I am happy to supply the details. It's an interesting process. As they get older, I can supply details that more mature minds can handle. I wonder if my adding some of those thoughts and feelings have staved off the hard questions. That would be nice.

As I tell their stories, they like hearing them. They like that each story is very different, yet similar. They like the details. I haven't told the stories recently. I also don't tell the stories in great detail to anyone else. I tell summaries to friends. The stories are for them to tell. It's their life. Not mine. It's part of who they are and part of their identity. That is sacred stuff.

Enjoying a baby fix with my friend's foster child. To hold a sleeping baby....so sweet!

So we move along...

The awareness my kids have that they are a different race has been there but they are now starting to understand that others notice our race is different. We've done a pretty good job teaching them to have a sense of humor about things. I have to say, they crack me up.

A friend of mine is a foster parent. She generally has one or two foster kids at a time, plus she is an adoptive mom of a sweet teenage young lady. We were talking about one of her past kids she had that "looked" different than her. I can't remember what the distinction was, but she said, "....everywhere you go, people notice you're different." I chuckled and said, "I know what you mean." She looked at me and suddenly realized, "Oh that's right!" She is so used to seeing our kids, and our family, as they are...she had done what we did years ago--forgot about race. I absolutely cherish those moments. They give me hope.

I never say never to ever adopting again. It is something that certainly doesn't just fall in your lap. One must pursue it, want it, defend the idea of it, and work for it. Someday it may happen again.

There is always love and always a kid who desperately needs it. It is always an option in our home.

Reason #48 Why I Believe In Open Adoption

Open adoption, by definition means there is some kind of communication between the birth parent(s) and adoptive parent(s) of a child. It can be a spectrum of communication. It can range from visiting each other weekly, to sending a postcard once a year. It also includes exchanging family medical information. By definition almost ALL domestic (US adoptions) are open just by the mere fact that it is standard procedure to at least pass on the family medical background to adoptive parents.

Why am I glad? Today I come home from running and my youngest tells me his heart hurts. So what does that mean? Well for 99% of the time I would give a hug and kiss and have him lay down.

Except for one thing.

I know his family medical history.

Called the doctor and we are off to see our medical professional this afternoon.

I am sure it is nothing. I would never forgive myself if it was something.

"Can I Just Ask?"

I don't know what is happening in the universe right now, maybe it was because we had a full moon last week but I keep getting asked the adoption questions that tend to get under my skin. One in particular. I need to rant.

I always start my rants with a little bit of a foundation. My family is rock solid. Recently we have had some discussions about adoption tax credits, and suddenly our six year old had a nightmare that he didn't have a family. As discouraging as that was, and it made for a long night, it also solidified to me....our kids are rock solid in their knowledge that we are a family and even little things like talking about adoption papers can shake that.

Now here is the rub.....kids hear adults talk about simple things like paperwork and they easily put a spin on it that something is "wrong" and a measure of doubt comes into their minds. Kids always personalize the negative, especially those things that pertain to them.

So if talking about something as impersonal as tax credits and adoption papers can mix up a little six year old's mind....imagine this scenario.

Standing with a group of adults while the kids are around us in their typical satellite sort of way and someone asks this question, "Are they brothers?"

I always give my scripted answer of, "Yes they are brothers, just not biologically related." The last time this scenario happened, the person actually kind of rolled their eyes at me.

Okay but maybe I should roll my eyes at you because you don't get the pleasure of going home and dealing with any aftershocks your curious question created that is none of your business.

Yes, I am irritated, and I am in a snarky mood this morning. But honestly, let's all agree that, just like biological families, adopted families come about in all kinds of shapes, forms and colors. It isn't necessary to know every mold every family came out of.

Especially if you're going to ask what may not seem like an earth shattering question to you.....rocks the world of kids. Imagine being a small kid and hearing two or three times a week, "Are they brothers?"

My kids are my kids. Protective mama came out this week. Hopefully we are on the back side of the moon phase.

That Pesky Adoption "Thing"

I wrote about this long long ago. Some of the weird questions and situations I have gotten myself into just by being an adoptive mom.

I have said that the worst, and I mean it, thing someone can say.......and I pause here to clarify, this is always said by the deliverer with the best of intention......"Now watch, once you adopt a baby, you'll get pregnant."

While we were preparing to adopt and directly after we had adopted both of our kids, hands down that was the most common thing said to us. When the kids were babies, it was said to us by someone to us daily.

Just to recap why that actually just pours salt on a wound is this:

1) By the time a person has made the huge emotional and financial investment to adopt, it is pretty clear the biological plumbing isn't working. Ours has never worked and we fall into the statistic where 70% of infertile couples never know why they are infertile. So truly, the plumbing isn't working and there has been a whole slew of expensive investigation to figure out why. To adopt is to say you are done with that roller coaster.

You have also mourned some losses. You have lost the idea that your children will look like you and have characteristics of you and your distant family. You lose the idea that your kids will related to you biologically. You have lost the childbirth experience. I know some also say to me, "You're not missing anything." Well, I do believe I am, and I have lost that experience.

2) Especially after the adopted baby arrives, people say that. So why would I want a pregnancy now that I have this little gem in my arms I have waited so long for? My oldest child was my in laws first grandchild. When another grandchild was on the way, not ours, someone actually said to them, "Isn't it great to get a real grandchild?" That person was quickly corrected.

I have been asked this, "Now that you have an adopted baby, watch, you'll get pregnant with a real baby!" Let me tell you, our children are not imaginary. They are our children. I can't tell you how dismissive that feels to both my children and myself. It degrades what we have, and what we have is pretty special.

Okay, at a candle party two weeks ago. The gal, K, who hosted the party, has been in the mires of adoption/infertility. She has been married a long time. We have had long long talks, and I try to encourage her as much as I can.

Sure enough.....a nice lady said it, "K, watch, once you adopt you'll get pregnant. You're just stressed out."

Reason number three why not to say that sentiment to infertile couples.....ready, it wasn't pretty.....her face turned red, and I could see the pure frustration coming forth. I am amazed at how controlled her response was verbally compared to her physical symptoms.


K: Unless you can get him (points to the other room where her husband is working) to make sperm, I just don't think that is going to happen.

Lesson learned, unless you know why a person is adopting (lack of sperm, eggs, tubes, plumbing) it might be a good idea to not say that hot button of a statement.

Sigh....

I am not one for political correctness. I really am not, but today, I found myself in want of it. Badly.

BH is a charming young boy. He is so engaging and thoughtful. When I pick him up from summer day camp every day, one of the teachers, who is my age, just goes on and on about the silly things he says. I love it.

Today, however, not so much. She stops me as I am driving away and asks me to roll down the window. The boys hear all of this. Here goes:

Her: I have this friend. She is *whispers* white. Her husband is *whispers* black. (I am already irritated by that alone. Race isn't a something that is so secretive we have to whisper for good gravy's sake!). So ummm.....that makes her kids *whispers* mulatto.

I am just nodding as she talks about how the hair is so different of their kids, and how great they are. I am just nodding away yet kind of just irritated inside. I don't correct her at all because she is trying to be nice. She is irritating me, but she is trying to be nice.

Why am I irritated?

*Never, ever do we whisper whether someone is black or white. Be proud about it. I am proud to be white, of Scottish descent. Period. I am so proud of my children and their African descent. Out loud.

*If you want to be truly politically correct, you say African American, or Anglo American. I say white all the time, but I never say black. I always say African American. Am I trying to avoid offending someone? No. I am trying to teach my kids how to be respectful of their race.

*Also, cross racial relationships don't need to be whispered about. None of these things she was referring to need to whispered about! Think about the impression that will leave my kids with if they think every time their race is brought up, it needs to be whispered about, especially from a teacher!

*I never ever say mulatto. Why? Well the Anglo definition of mulatto means "the first-generation offspring of a black person and a white person" from Merriam Webster. Keep looking at the etymology of the word which is "Spanish mulato, from mulo mule, from Latin mulus".

Now here is where African Americans get offended by the word "mulatto". The meaning of the word mule means " a hybrid between a horse and a donkey ; especially : the offspring of a male donkey and a mare". And we can all imagine how that would make us feel if we were thought to be mules. I don't like the word myself, never have.

*What is the correct word? It isn't hard. Bi-racial. It's a nice word because it can meaning any kind of cross racial relationship that results in offspring, and it doesn't have an etymology that makes me cringe.

And there you go. It isn't hard. But in three sentences, I was done with that conversation. Just a thought.

An Adoption Moment

It happens all the time but I will describe to you a clear example of what we affectionately call "An Adoption Moment". Of course because I am who I am, need to give you some details to set it up.

BH's preschool is also a primary private Christian school for kids up to 8th grade. Because the principal is a great friend of mine, she often let's JM go on their field trips. This is great for JM to hang out with other kids, and for us to bank some school time.

There was a zoo field trip this last Friday. Because JM is not a student, and for liability purposes, we have a strange identity on these trips. I go as JM's chaperone, and I also help chaperone the other kids. It works out.

The zoo plan was for all of us to be given our tickets, passes, parking passes, etc. at the school, then meet at a designated location at the zoo when we all got there. No problem. I got all our tickets, etc. My ticket said "chaperone" on it and JM's said "student".

And we step up to the ticket person and hand her our passes, and she says, "So...you're his chaperone correct?"

Aside here....it may be hard for others to be in my brain. I am so used to having my kids be who they are, and what color they are that about 98% of the time, I forget how we look to others. I am serious. I know that is hard to believe, but most of the time I forget that we stick out like crazy in public. This was one of those moments.....

I look at the gal (because I have forgotten what we look like) and I say, "Yes......". She let's us in, of course.

I look at JM and I say, "Did you see that?" He said no. I told him, "She doesn't realize you're my son. Remember people don't know you're adopted and we don't look alike. Isn't that funny? She thinks you're a student and I am a helper or a teacher or something." He laughed with me.

We shared it with some of the other kids later and they giggled with us.

How I handle those moments as an adoptive parent with shape how JM handles those when he's older.

This Just Has Me Spinning a Bit

Years and years ago, when we adopted JM, some words were said to me that still ring in my ears today. I have to tell you this so you understand the point at the end.

We adopted our oldest son from Houston, TX. When we flew down to Houston to pick him up, I remember sitting in the adoption agency in Texas waiting for his foster parent to bring him to us. He had been born about 3 weeks before and she was caring for him after he was released from the hospital. So we chatted with the adoption worker.

This agency does have a kind of specialty in placing African American (AA) children with families. I don't remember how it happened, but we got onto the subject of race. I remember telling her that where we live in the Pacific Northwest, it really is laid back in terms of race. It's just a strange enough place that even if my family seems weird to someone else, they also seem weird.

And she said this, which are the words I hear repeated in my head a lot, "The majority of our AA children we place with families in the Pacific Northwest. You have to remember this is still The South. People still get burning crosses in their front yards here." We went onto to talk about that even if a white family wanted to adopt an AA child, most of the time they don't want to invite that kind of attention. It made me sad.

Jump ahead about 2 to 3 years. My hubbie is actively looking for a PhD program and finds a potentially good one in Louisville, KY. We talked about whether we would sell our house or rent it, how long it would take, etc. The words repeated themselves in my ears again, and I reminded my husband, Kentucky was part of the south. We needed to take the racial temperature of what it would be like if our colorful family went outside and played ball in our front yard or walked in the grocery store or the mall. I asked him to talk very candidly to the director of the program about what are racial attitudes like in Louisville. I also had the idea of all of us flying out there and walking around, and seeing the tone of the stares in people's eyes. Isn't it a shame we had to and still have to think that way?

I have an AA friend who has explained to me that she actually does that to this day. If she travels for her work, she asks around to see what the racial climate is for her work, and decides what places to visit or museums to see based upon that. Again, crying shame.

This is where I got rattled in the last few days. A woman who lives on the coast of Oregon, and her adopted AA son got the nice little gift last weekend of a burning cross in their yard. Click here for the link.

It is so sad. The one light at the end of this....the neighbor who said, "If the law doesn't drive them out we will." It's a town of 200 people, I am sure someone knows something and at the very least, it won't be tolerated.

That woman in the interview could be me, and it just shakes me a bit. The repeated words came back, "there are still burning crosses in people's yards."

Yes, there are.

Happy Mother's Day

I wasn't sure what to write here. Again since this blog is dedicated to adoption, how do I pin that down and celebrate all that motherhood encompasses? Especially that unique side of that which comes with adoption. I struggled last year with the same thing, although I was out cold on narcotics since my back was one big spasm for a week.

And then I saw this article this morning. A small journal entry from the actress, Nia Vardolos. She is known for her famous role in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". She also recently adopted a three year old gem from the foster system.

Click here. If you're an adoptive mom, grab a tissue first.

Happy Mother's Day!

Check Out This Website Sometime

I have it posted way over there under My Favorite Adoption Website. It's been there almost since day one of this blog. It could almost be skimmed over it one isn't careful. It's the Northwest Adoption Exchange. If you click on it, of course it goes to the homepage and tells you how great kids are that are in foster care. But did you know that you can look under "Waiting Children" and read about them?

And of course, about three or four times a year, I look. I want to buy a big house on a hill and bring them all "home". I want them to be "home" not in a "foster home" which feels like being Cinderella if you have ever spoken to a foster child. You don't quite belong, and you get the leftovers. Here is the group I want to bring home right now that I am fixated on. Click here.

There was a little African American boy on there last year named Kobe that I had my eye one. He was reposted after a disrupted adoption, and I have told several of my friends, "Give me the address, and I'll go get him." I knew he would be adopted quickly, and I see he isn't there anymore. I am very glad for him.

Anyway, if you ever just want to dream a little, see what these kids are like, etc. Check it out. IF, and that is a BIG IF, we ever adopt again, it will be a child from the foster system. And of course, there is a pair of the stinkin' cutest African American sisters there right now, that make me want to paint a room in my house pink.

Sigh......

Madonna and Adoption

What do I think? I feel compelled to comment on her state of affairs right now because I have dedicated this blog to adoption. People do ask me my opinion of celebrities like Madonna and Angelina Jolie. Here is my three cents worth.

I am absolutely not opposed to celebrities adopting. Why? Because it gives great publicity to the whole adoption world. Remember, adoption used to have a dark, secretive side to it not so long ago. There is a stigma, especially among those considering adoption, that adoption is worse than having an abortion. Obviously I strongly and vehemently disagree with that. If perfectly chiseled cheek-bones Angelina Jolie can adopt children and show that the stereotype is false, then do it!

Yes, celebrities most likely get special treatment when it comes to adoption. They always get special treatment. I am sure their name gets rushed to the top of any kind of waiting list, etc. I can assure you this, as much scrutiny as celebrities are under, I am sure their legal ducks are in a row for adoption, just like mine are. And it's a small price to pay for the rest of us to get good adoption press.

Madonna.....good Lord, I really try to ignore her, I really do, but she makes it hard.

A few years ago when she adopted her third child from Malawi, I was perturbed. Why? She went into a country that has no formal adoption laws, bulldozed her way into the legal system that was unprepared for her and her "presence", cozied up to an impoverished birth father, and got her adoption. Even Angelina Jolie made the very short statement at the time, "I make a point to adopt from countries that have formalized adoption laws." I agree with Angelina.

For the rest of us masses, adopting from a country with no formalized adoption laws is just futility. We would never consider it. And it would cost us our entire life savings just to accomplish it. Madonna has resources that covers all of that.

So, what do I think now? To give the next saga a summary, if you haven't heard, Madonna took a little trip to Malawi again this last week to adopt a little girl she has had her eye on. She wanted to be in England by this weekend so her older children could have their prescribed time with their dad. Just reading the accounts of this little trip, it has the feeling that Madonna looked at this trip to Malawi as though it were an errand. For me, my "errand" to pick up my kids was absolutely stressful and life changing. Nope, with Madonna, we fit it into daddy's visitation. Gag.

I know Madonna sent her people there earlier, cleared out an entire hotel for Madonna's privacy, and prepared herself to pick up her new daughter and come home. Why? Because what Madonna wants Madonna gets, and that is not just my opinion.

Guess what? What Madonna wants Malawi doesn't approve of any more. Malawi has an 18-24 month residency requirement to adopt. That was waived by a starstruck judge a few years ago. It isn't this time, and the law makers of Malawi put the brakes on her little trip to pick up her next adopted daughter.

Here is the link, click here. Madonna left Malawi without the child she wanted.

Lessons learned, dot your i's and cross your t's when it comes to adoption. I think that Madonna needs to be brought down a notch or two in her little bid to think she can just show up and walk out with a country's child. The arrogance is insulting.

How about this? If she wants African children so badly, go to another African country where there are just as many orphaned children? Orphaned by AIDS and disease, just like Malawi. Madonna if you're reading (HA! That makes me laugh just to imagine) let me make a list:

Haiti, Ethiopia, Liberia. All three of those nations are wide open for adoption. What do I mean by wide open? They have formalized international adoption laws. They have an American embassy that is prepared to handle American adoptions. They have a court system that expects Americans to walk in the door and petition for adoptions. In other words, having celebrities like Madonna's show up won't bamboozle them and cause judges to be starstruck. It will have a chain of events that need to happen. This will guarantee a smooth adoption so that both the country and the adoptive family are legally covered.

So, I don't know. Maybe Madonna will go try and adopt from Iceland next. Why do I say that? Iceland has a strict no foreign adoption law. No one from outside of Iceland can adopt their children.

But what Madonna wants, Madonna gets.

In Need of Bravery

Okay, it's weighing on my mind, and I just need to do it.

I need to compose that letter to BH's birthparents, to be sent directly to their home. This is a follow up to my previous posts called "Crud, crud, crud!"

What is my objective? To send them a letter offering to make our required letter/picture updates sent directly to them.

Why am I shaking nervously over this? Because up to this point, I don't know how much, if at all, his birthparents have gotten the previous updates. Those have all been sent to the now-defunct adoption agency, which they would have needed to go and pick up. It was a neutral territory, and very common in adoptions for adoption agencies to be the neutral third party. Now that ABC is gone, that neutrality is gone. Best scenario, they have the updates, and are mad that ABC shut down. Worst scenario, they haven't gone to get the updates, have moved on, and would feel intruded upon with this weird letter from me in the mail directly to their home.

What can I do? Send the letter in very gentle wording, inviting, and encouraging. I will also send the letter with my attorney's return address on it. Why? So if junk flies, he'll be my first line of defense, and he offered!

Why else am I shaky? Honestly, these are extremely nice, hard working people from all that I know of them, although I have never met them. I don't want my letter, which may come out of nowhere for them, to upset them. Or upset the whole "we've moved on" thing that we all hope happens to our kid's birthparents. I don't want it to take them back to the hard spot they were in when BH was born.

So, prayers please! I need to do it soon, because his next update is coming up. So are my taxes, so let's not talk about the checkbook that needs my immediate attention. That is happening Monday night.

Crud Update

Remember a few weeks back (12/19/2008) how I was beyond bummed that our family update that I sent to BH's birth family got returned? I explained the tumultuous relationship we had with the adoption agency, and how the writing is on the wall--mismanagement would run that place out of business.

Here is the update. I just looked up another agency in the same city and left a message asking if they knew what had become of ABC agency or could they direct me to someone who could. Check it out, within 24 hours, I got a call back from this agency with some answers, and they did it out of the kindness of their heart. After pulling teeth to get ABC agency to return my calls, it was quite refreshing.

The news, ABC is bust. But, I got the phone number of the guy who does the state licensing for adoption agencies in that state, and he could help me.

And oh what a conversation with him that was! By the way, he returned my call within two hours. Again, not used to this kind of on-the-spot help with my east coast adoption.

The guy from the state, let's call him Denzel (just because), knew exactly who I was talking about, specifically Jeff, the guy who ran the agency. I got this barage of questions, "Is your adoption finalized?" "How did you manage to adopt a child from our state to your state?" "Did you do an interstate compact?" I felt kind of interrogated because I am having to defend my rock solid adoption, orchestrated by my lawyer, certainly not by Jeff, ABC's former director.

Turns out, he is asking me these questions to make sure there isn't another Jeff botched adoption out there. I answer his questions and assure him we are finalized, and you could hear the "whewie" in his voice. I explain that I am legally obligated to give family updates, and we also feel morally obligated to do this. You can absolutely tell Denzel's thinking is, "This is the least of my problems dealing with ABC! But I'll chat with this woman anyway."

Denzel tells me how to cover our tracks legally, and also advises us to double check with our lawyer to make sure we are not delinquent from that end either.

I also tell Denzel the story you all know about our dealings with Jeff. I can hear him nodding on the other end. He tells me Jeff won't even speak to him, but only his supervisor. "And I am fine with that!" he finished.

So, we concluded by agreeing that we are the lucky ones out there. There are birth families and adoptive families who have been messed over by Jeff's mismanagement, and Denzel's job these days is the clean up the mess. He agreed with me that the real victims in this are the birth families and adopted kids. Sigh....

Do I want to scare anyone out of adoption? Nope. Not at all. Do I want folks to have circumspect intuition when dealing with fallen people to put together a family? Absolutely! Just like you would check out an ob/gyn, hospital, and nursing staff before giving birth. I would also check out an agency. I have fully checked out, worked with, and endorse the agencies I have listed on my blog. There are countless others out there who are willing to take a few extra steps for the adoption world, and help others, and I certainly felt that in talking to Denzel and others just figuring this out.

Crud, crud, crud!

I had an inkling this would happen someday.

You know how much I really enjoy sending BH's birth family our semi annual letter and pictures. I sent the most recent pack the week of Thanksgiving. We received it back today "No longer at this address". Crap!

I kind of knew this would happen. Let me give you a bit of the red tape that can happen with adoption.

When we adopted BH, the agency, we shall call ABC, had a director, Jeff. Jeff was a bit of a schmoozer who could easily be a politician. And in some respects of adoption, you want that kind of person. You need someone who can build relationships and put together agreements, which is what adoption is.

ABC adoption was (notice the past tense) directed by Jeff on the east coast, we live on the west coast. JM's adoption was in a state a long way's off, and it was a commitment to a lot of phone calls, and it went fine. I made it clear to Jeff, we needed him to jump on the paperwork so we could finalize the adoption by the end of 2005. Why? So we could get the adoption tax credit we desperately needed to pay for a lot of the adoption. Key! I made it clear, that needed to happen.

After we took custody of BH in the summer of 2005, the adoption isn't over. You have to finalize the deal with a lot of paperwork and a court appearance. Again, lots still needs to happen.

I called my attorney in the fall to see how the paperwork was slogging along. He had received nothing from ABC. Now keep in mind, they had hounded me quite a bit at this point for several minor medical bills to be paid, which were. But when I needed something, I got nothing.

This calling, asking for the paperwork, nothing happening, continued after the New Year. It got to the point that by March, I wasn't getting calls returned at all. I would just call at random times to try to catch a lucky moment when someone picked up the phone.

This is tax season of 2006! Our taxes are messed up so badly at this point. I finally get ahold of Jeff, and he explains to me a terrible thing. His entire staff had walked out on him and he was running the whole show. "Oh, Jeff, I am so sorry. However, I really need this paperwork to happen. It has been almost a year" I say. His specific words to me are "You have my word that this will be out the door to your attorney in a week." When someone says that to me, I honestly take them at their word.

I call my attorney at the beginning of May, and I get the answer, he hasn't received the paperwork. I am shaking mad at this point, I am not kidding. I am on the verge tears, and they are not sad, they are pure infuriation. I leave Jeff a voicemail with my voice shaking explaining how upset I am that I took him at his word that he swore to me, and that if this doesn't get resolved, I will be calling the attorney general in the state in which he is a practicing adoption attorney. Seriously, nothing happens. I now totally understand why his entire staff walked out on him, he has the listening skills and follow through skills of a dolt.

I finally get him on the phone while I am at the zoo at the beginning of June. I ask him flat out, get me paperwork or I am taking legal action. I am not exaggerating, he tries the schmooze thing on me. He says, "Oh but AM, just think of the great son you have." I say, "Nice try, he isn't my son actually is he? At best, I am his legal guardian, and how are we going to fix that?" He says, "Fair enough...." and makes more promises.

I have kept my attorney abreast of this crap all along, and he finally called Jeff, which was out of the kindness of his heart, and said something. The paperwork finally got finished, over a year after taking custody of BH.

I noticed the following November, when I called ABC offices, his voice wasn't on the voicemail. It was the social worker saying she would call back. I have left several messages with her, and of course, no returned calls.

So the writing has been on the walls for awhile. That agency is on the way out. But any responsible agency, when it folds, contracts another agency to take care of all the follow up and contact between birth and adoptive parents. I know our agency here in our hometown has taken over those responsibilities for other agencies. Nothing from ABC.

I have searched on the Internet for ABC, for Jeff, for the social worker, for any updated information. I have also left a message for another agency in the same city just to see if the know the gossip about what has happened to ABC.

And who suffers here? Well, when BH is old enough, I get to tell him that the agency went under with no new information. His birthparent's suffer because they are waiting for the update that is sitting on my desk, instead of in their hands.

Crud, crud, crud!!

BH's Birthparent Letter

Hello Birthparents of BH, November 2008

It is that time again! We have had such an adventurous summer and fall, we have much to share with you. There are lots of pictures attached this time, mainly because we have had so many activities since we last wrote you a letter.

In June, we attended our city’s children’s parade, and had a lot of fun. BH and JM certainly enjoyed squishing themselves into one lawn chair. The picture we got of them was priceless.

It also shows a really nice dynamic. BH and JM are definitely brothers. BH is very consistent to pray for his “brudder” every Sunday in church during prayer time. They look out for each other, share toys, fight over toys, copy each other, bug each other, hug each other, and all the things brothers do.

This summer we also acquired a used trampoline. That was the best thing! Both boys have a lot of fun jumping on it and getting out their boyish energy. BH is incredibly cute because of how little and bouncy he is. We hope you enjoy the pictures we included of that.

We also took a trip to Colorado at the end of August to visit some of AM’s family. BH talked for weeks beforehand about how excited he was to fly on an airplane. The last time he was on an airplane was when we brought him home from XXX. Anne Marie grew up in Colorado and it was a joy to show her sons the places she played as a little girl. Both boys got the chance to fish for trout, see the Olympic Training Center, visit family, hike in the woods, and go on a train ride.

We also had one of our “firsts” on that trip. You can see in the pictures the boys playing in a fountain. At one point, both boys slipped on the slippery surface. BH took a spill that bumped his head, and he sprung right up and was mad about falling. A few hours after that, he was vomiting. Of course, we took him to the emergency room immediately, and he was checked out thoroughly and was fine. That little trip marked the “first” trip to the emergency room for our family. We are glad it turned out to be nothing to worry about.

BH has also started preschool this fall! Where did the time go? He was a little nervous at first, but loves it now. He even asked the other day, when being picked up, “Can I go back to school?” Several of his classmates are close friends now. You’ll see a little blonde girl in several of the pictures. She is our pastor’s daughter, and they are almost the same age and are in preschool and Sunday school together.

They also act like a little married couple. She gets kind of bossy and orders BH around. After too much of that, he ignores her and walks away.

We also had an incredibly fun day in October going to one of our favorite pumpkin patches with our pastor’s family. The kids climbed a hay tower, picked out pumpkins, rode a little cart of cows, saw farm animals, went through a corn maize, and had a very fun day. Having BH’s little friend there was very fun because they stuck to each other like good friends.

We also took our annual day to the local apple orchards up in the hills. Again, another wonderful fall day, and we have included pictures from that as well.

Because BH is getting older, he hasn’t had any need for doctor’s appointments these days. He will get a check up on his fourth birthday. His shots are all up to date. We have definitely noticed that he got taller. Suddenly jeans he wore before the heat of summer are way too short for him as the weather gets colder.

What does Ben like? He likes macaroni and cheese, pizza, apples, oranges, lemonade, orange juice, hash browns and Halloween candy. He is a great sleeper and still takes a good nap in the afternoon and sleeps through the night. While he still has a few accidents at night we are working on having him wear big boy pants all the time, including at night.

BH is such a comedian! He knows how to joke around and make things funny. He knows how to give the right little grin to get his way. He loves to cuddle, hug and give kisses. BH has wonderful verbal skills, and we think he is a bit ahead of the average three year old. He speaks well, and has a great vocabulary. AM’s aunt, a former educator, was shocked to hear him count backwards from ten. He is definitely a smart little boy, and loves to color, figure out things, play with stickers, books and crayons.

We wish you and your family a very warm Christmas season as we reflect on what God has given us this past year. Of course, we look at our children and are so thankful for the adventurous year we have had with them. We pray you and your family have a blessed Christmas this year. Please know that we are thinking of you this Christmas season.

Lovingly,

M, AM, JM and BH

That Season Again

Remember back in May when I shared about the car conversation I had with JM about writing letters to the kids birthparents? We all ended up needing a box of Kleenex?

It's that time again. Creeps up on you huh? We need to get another letter and batch of photos off to BH's birthparents before we enjoy Thanksgiving. Because it's something you can't just throw together, I do start planning a few weeks ahead of time.

First thing, I download any pictures I need to one of my favorite photo websites. Snapfish.com is the one I am using this time because I have a freebie coming from them. My usual place is shutterfly.com. I have about 50+ photos ready to be ordered, and will do it this week.

I have also required JM to write a letter to include this time. Last May, it was optional. Not this time. He's old enough to write sentences, and I have let him know, he needs to do that this time.

I have also got to think through the special events we've done since May. It's been a lot! Parade in June, meeting AC Green, Fourth of July, trip to Colorado (and the emergency room), starting preschool, going to the apple orchards and pumpkin patch. You have all seen many of the pictures I will be sending.

Then I need to also write anything developmentally that he has done recently. Well, his little sense of humor is way beyond his years. He certainly can't be looked at too long because his little smiling gaze will wrap you around his little finger. He has learned how to shake his boom boom, and makes getting dressed a whole different adventure. It's these sorts of thing that we get to write about.

We don't have ongoing contact with JM's birthmom. So I always make it clear, he can write a letter to his birthmom, and I will save it in a special place and get it to her when I am allowed to. Again, tears! How special it will be to hand to her letters he has written to her over the course of his childhood. I would love to be able to hand that to her as a gift someday.

And it always brings me back to the same place. I am so privileged and blessed that these generous people gave me a slice of their soul, entrusted their flesh and blood to me, to raise. How amazing is that? And again, God being the author and example of what adoption means. I am such a blessed person!

Sigh......Need another Kleenex again.....

My Kids are My Kids

I don't think very much at all on a daily basis that my kids don't look like me. Honestly, I don't. When we first adopted JM, in the first month or so we had him, I was super sensitive to that whole thing. It goes away fast. I also had a super bad experience on this very issue right at that time, which didn't help. That another post for the future.

But I forget about how I look to others often. We stick out like crazy as a family when we come walking down the street. I forget, and honestly, I don't even notice the curious looks anymore. For the most part, I don't care either.

Today something cool happened, and it reminded me, we are easy to notice. We went to Target. Our Target is weird in that is has two stories. So you have the choice of taking your cart upstairs via the elevator, or a fancy escalator that has a separate track just for the cart. Just trust me on that one, you have to see it to believe it.

So we send our cart down the track, while we ride the separate track. Our cart gets stuck and the track stops. So we are waiting at the bottom of the escalator while an employee comes and resets it. JM and I are are standing at the bottom looking up.

We suddenly see a white man coming down the escalator with an African American (AA) toddler in his arms. They stick out easily. I lean over to whisper to JM, "Hey, do you see them? They are like us huh?" JM has noticed race more and more these days, and I am always trying to find ways to show him we are not the only ones like us. And I took this opportunity.

Well, of course, the man sees us! Duh! I forget that vision goes both ways. He comes off the escalator and we immediately strike up the conversation of where our children came from, what agency, how old everyone is, etc. His little bundle of energy is 18 months, and cute! They are hoping to adopt again in about a year. We also realized we live in the same neighborhood and should definitely talk and get the kids together. Very nice! Hope to get to know them soon!

I also noticed at the opening day of summer camp something I hadn't seen in awhile. JM is playing in the pool. And he is the only AA child around. I am fairly close to him in a chair by the side of the pool. He is not a great swimmer and is just hanging on the side of the pool and toodling around.

I see the look, and it's not a bad look, but it's a familiar look. A few adults did the "once over" look over the crowd looking for this little boy's parents thinking he is there unsupervised. Of course, they don't see me. I don't have an ax to grind here. It is normal human behavior to be concerned for this child, and look for his parents. I just think it's very interesting. As a person who likes to "people watch", with my family in the color that it is, makes for great people watching!

I have also noticed that when it is just me and the kids in public, the first assumption, and I would assume this as well, is that my husband is AA. Again, no ax to grind here, as human beings, we try to make sense of what we are seeing. But again, it's nice to blow the assumptions occasionally.

So anyway, in all my little adventures to day, I think we might have made some new friends, and that is always a nice thing.

Happy Birthday, Baby!

Happy Birthday to my baby. He is three! It was BH's birthday this last week, and I purposely didn't dedicate a post for him on the day. Believe it or not, there will always be confusion in my mind when his birthday is, and it's part of the whole adoption process.

Three years ago, on May 28th (I looked this up to confirm it) we got the call that a baby boy was born, and the birthparents had chosen us. We were incredibly cautious. We had three, count 'em, three nasty adoptions fall through, the most recent one was less than a month behind us. We were burned. I am sure the adoption worker that called us wondered why we weren't doing the happy dance when he addressed us "Mom and Dad". Honestly, we had heard that before, and it was premature to do that, and frankly, inappropriate considering how fragile we were.

But, in that phone call, that silly adoption worker told us BH was born "today", which was the 28th. Wrong! He was born the day before, the 27th. When people ask me when he birthday is, I always have to stop and think. It's amazing how much confusion is in not just my mind, but my husband's as well.

It's all part of BH's story. I want to announce Happy Birthday in the blog world today, a day completely different than the 27th or 28th.

I love you, BH. You are my baby. You are my youngest son, and I love you dearly. In the last three years, I have seen your silliness turn into comedic genius at such a tender age.

Your goofiness help to offset the immense amount of pain it took to get you. We were hurting deeply when you were finally placed in our arms. You were medicine to our broken hearts. You came into our family silly, and hold that standard today.

You came to us with a huge, full head of hair! It was wild and silly! As the hair got cut, it was replaced with your fun giggle, your fun outlook, and your joy. You find the fun in everything. Listening to your little sing song voice as you just sing to yourself is music to our ears. Your stubborn toddler-ness, is usually addressed by one of us giving you a stern look while your other parent covers their face so you can't see them giggle.

Having you in our family, just like your older brother, shows us that God works miracles through adoption. You are an exact fit into our family. We have Daddy, the Scholar. We have Mommy, the Business Owner. We have JM, the Athlete. We have you, the Comedian.

Just like with your older brother, your presence in our family has given us the opportunity to hear a little person's voice call us "Daddy and Mommy". Those are words we wondered if we would ever hear again while swimming in a mire of adoption sludge. Hearing you say those words to us, reminds us that God gave you to us.

You are a gift. We celebrate your birthday, give you fun gifts, hug and kiss you, laugh with you, cuddle with you, etc. Your biological parents broke their hearts, and gave us you--their flesh and blood. God orchestrated giving you into our arms. All the while knowing your Dad and I got the best gift. You.

We got the best end of the deal, and we give thanks daily to your biological parents who made such a heart wrenching sacrifice. We thank God for His provision.

Happy Birthday, Baby Son. I love you.

In Loving Memory

I am a huge Steven Curtis Chapman fan. I have loved him since the eighties when he had a mullet. His infamous song "I Will Be There" was sung at my wedding sixteen years ago. I rock out often to his song "Dive" on my CD player in my car. I love his music from old to new.

Last weekend his youngest daughter was killed by a car in their front driveway. His youngest three children were adopted from China. The Chapman's have been huge supporters of adoption, specifically, making resources available to families to ease the cost of adoption.

I heard this news from my husband while standing in line to check bags in Miami's airport, and my heart just jumped and sunk.

My most heartfelt prayers and condolences to the Chapman family.

Here are a couple of videos in memory of Maria Sue Chapman 2003-2008. She has journeyed from her earthly father's arms to her heavenly father's. May God heal the family and friends left here to miss her.

Rogue Valley Pregnancy Resource Center Reach for the Stars Benefit

I am back. I am so tired! It has been a whirlwind few days with this event. I have no idea where to start. There is so much to say.

My friend, BAS, is the chair of the board of directors for Rogue Valley Pregnancy Resource Centers (RVPRC). This little organization has had some staff changes in the last year, and new faces are in place. Those new faces want to make RVPRC a presence in southern Oregon, and I am all for it.

I was asked several months ago to come to do my testimony. No problem. Two big names were also at this event. Abstinance advocate and great Christian man, AC Green. He was an LA Laker player when the Lakers announced Magic Johnson had the AIDS virus. AC Green was a virgin when he married his wife at age 38. I give this man my respect. Here he is working side by side with a man who is leading a promiscuous lifestyle, while maintaining his purity. Amazing.

The other big name was Bob Kilpatrick. A very influential musical artist and producer. He wrote the song we all know "In My Life Lord". He has worked with big name artists like Randy Stonehill, Steven Curtis Chapman, and Newboys to name a few.

And I did my testimony sandwiched in between these men. Tracy and her husband (see the blogs I watch) Denis came, and again, it was so nice to have familiar faces in the crowd. I visited with them before hand during a dessert reception. Tracy was so sweet asking me what I wanted to eat, and I never turn down lemon bars! But this night, if I ate anything, it wouldn't stay down. I was very nervous.

There was an estimated 300-400 people there. Bob performed. It was a funny combination of humor, music and worship. Great way to start the evening. I did my testimony. AC Green did his talk and reflections. It was wonderful.

I say it was wonderful for a reason. Before I had kids, I worked for PRC of Greater Portland. One of the biggest PRC organizations in the United States. A great place to work. I used to put on events just like this. For three years I also worked in the counseling room, administering pregnancy tests, and talking to lots and lots and lots of women about pregnancy, relationships, STD's, and their future. Those were incredibly hard years, where I worked hard to not burn out. But I would do it again. So that is where I came from.

In terms of events, being behind the scenes this night felt very familiar to me. What just flabbergasts me is how many attacks there were by Satan. I am not one of these people who thinks Satan is behind everything, but you have to wonder with this night.

So many things went wrong. The video presentation that was presented, the credit card machine that didn't show up, the programs that were printed moments before the event, people falling and injuring themselves in the parking lot, family members suddenly getting gravely ill, AC's flight being delayed and rerouted, etc.

I think Satan doesn't want RVPRC to grow.

BUT! God prevailed, if you didn't know all of these things were going wrong behind the scenes, and participated as an attendee, you would not have known so much was going wrong. It went off well. To God be the glory for that.

New donors were recruited, new faces saw what RVPRC does, and RVPRC will be growing soon by adding ultrasound machines to their ministry. I know Satan doesn't want that to happen. Women who see their babies on an ultrasound machine statistically don't have abortions. Suddenly the positive test stick becomes a human being.

What were some fun things? AC Green raffled off a few things signed by him. I put a whole bunch of stock in the signed basketball and bought a bunch of tickets. I wanted to bring that ball home to the boys. I didn't win. BUT! As I was talking to AC, he told me this summer, in my city, where he holds an annual basketball camp, bring my kids and a ball and he'll sign it for me. How generous and kind! He told me when he would be there and how to catch him. I didn't ask, he offered that, and he certainly didn't have to do that. How nice!

JM asked that I have a picture with him doing rabbit ears. Get this, AC let me! I don't know if I would do that. Have you ever done rabbit ears behind a man who is six feet nine inches tall? The ears are hard to see.

Anyway, a great evening. I am thankful for the opportunity. I am still reveling in it. I am excited to hear how God grows this ministry. Satan got stomped on that night. The attempts to stop this event were not successful, and they were pretty amazing attempts.

This man won the basketball.

Tracy with AC Green. Her shoulder comes up to his elbow.
AC is dauntingly tall.

I am standing on two steps. I would normally be closer to where Tracy was.

I Played Hooky Today

Tracy and her husband were in town today! Her blog is listed as one of the ones I read. I got to meet her at my favorite coffee hang out in the Albina district (look under "seasonal" for "Van Port?" where I give a brief history of North Portland).

First, Tracy and her hubbie came over to our home to check out our chicken situation. They are considering putting together a little chicken set up and wanted to see ours. Of course, Tracy needed to try on BH's helmet. To her surprise it fit!



Although BH, was definitely not happy that she did that. He had just woken up and hadn't shaken off the grumpies yet.



What a treat! Plus a long time acquaintance joined us. Her name is AR. I know she will read this. I am big on not putting out full names without permission. For anyone who knows me personally, it's kind of fun--AR and I have the same name. Kind of unusual! We don't have a common name.

Anyway, AR and I go way back but truly on a very limited acquaintance level. What a treat to sit and have a light lunch and coffee with her, Tracy and Tracy's husband!

We talked about our national health care crisis, Enron, adoption. Black History month, racial issues, eHarmony.com, church, movies seen recently, playing Pack Rat on facebook.com, jobs, Discovery Channel shows, diet, etc. It was the coolest! Thank you all of you! I had such a wonderful morning, and I will just enjoy the warm fuzzies from it for days to come.

Plus, I am very much hoping that AR and I can ignite our relationship to more than acquaintances. What a treat to meet her and have quality time with her.

I learned more about African American issues. Thank you AR. She grew up in Brooklyn and has stories to tell. She also opened my eyes up more that the racial tension in this country is still pretty tight. Our work in racial equality, safety, and perceptions is not over. Again, what a treat to sit and listen and learn.

Here is the group photo! We had fun. Let's do it again sometime ladies and gentleman!