This family of mine is so beat up right now. I am finally getting better from this illness icky thing.
My husband is out for the count. He hasn't moved a whole lot from the couch this week. JM was not looking himself at bedtime tonight. I am predicting a sick day tomorrow for him. BH is not sick, but we wish he was. Then he wouldn't be beating us up with his incessant two year old energy while we're trying to get an extra nap.
One top of the sickies, we had a weird thing happen at school that has been boiling over time. JM has been at odds with a classmate, H, since about October. They used to be good friends, but after about October, it has been somewhat adversarial, but nothing out of the ordinary of normal boyhood troubles. I have been watching it unfold and it just ended this last week.
One of JM's problems is his absolute love of his friends. He is such a social little boy. If someone doesn't like him, he will ingratiate himself to a huge degree to get that person to like him. And he gets incredibly frustrated when he can't figure out why this person won't just be nice.
The flip side of that coin is the other kid. The other kid is at least a troublemaker, usually the class bully. We had a huge problem when he was in four year old preschool with, yes at four years old, a class bully. That little boy didn't physically hurt JM, but he sure teased and humiliated him, and JM kept going back for more because he wanted that little boy to like him so badly.
Jump back to the beginning of school in January. I begin to realize that H is getting pretty sophisticated. The stories coming home from school are getting bizarre. Several red flags for me. The first being, H is turning the whole class against JM. Depending on H's mood on any given day, he won't let other kids play with JM. I tell JM to tell the teacher. "But Mom! That is tattling!" I realize that H has JM by the neck. Think about it. JM has to do whatever H wants him to do just so he can play with his friends. And if JM tattles, then the treatment from H gets worse. There have been a few rides home from school with tears because of this frustration and I don't blame him. It's bizarre.
I try the motherly advice, give him words to say, deflecting, play with someone else, tell the teacher, etc. Nothing is working.
Next thing I notice--JM suddenly won't wear red. He got a couple of nice polo type shirts in a deep fire engine red for Christmas. Major fight to get him to wear them. I got to the bottom of it. "Mom. H says red is a girly color, and I don't want to wear it." Keep in mind, it is a weird day if H is not wearing something that has camouflage. He always wears fatigue type pants, has a camouflage colored lunch box, backpack, and jacket. Okay, well we could certainly tease him for his wardrobe choices. I find myself getting my sista attitude out and saying, "You tell H!" but caught myself.
If JM has worn anything red to school, it is because I have pumped him up like a coach would--to be confident in himself and tell H that H is not in charge of what JM wears. It usually works, but again, I am troubled by this.
One day during gym time, JM comes up to me and says, "H won't play with me." Personally, that is fine with me! But I ask, "Why? Did he say?" JM says, "His dad advices him not to." Yes, he said it just like that. Clue! H is going home with stories about JM. JM is also doing some antagonizing here to the point that his dad is telling him not to play with JM.
I am done. Parent conferences were at the middle of February. Teacher didn't mention a thing about this conflict. I had to bring it up. I asked, "Can you tell me about the relationship between JM and H?" She gets a far away look in her eyes and says, "Oh yeah........"
She tells me that way back in October, JM did do something to H that made him mad. I asked what, she couldn't remember. However, H's parents did complain to the teacher then. Funny how she didn't tell me. Funny how no one can really remember the offense, not even H it turns out. But boy the punishment can't seem to stop!
I tell her my concern about H's sway on the whole class and how he turns other students against JM. Get this! She then reveals to me that she has seen this first hand, and didn't realize what was going on. She has watched JM sit at a table at lunchtime completely separate from the class. There is only one first grade in this school. When lunch takes place, it's not like other classes join them or that JM could join another group. H has not only turned a few kids away from JM, but
the whole class at lunchtime.
I also relay the whole clothing thing. I tell her I am absolutely frustrated that this kid has this kind of sway and influence over an entire class, and I demand it to be stopped. I also demand that if this kid does have a beef with JM to say what it is and give JM the opportunity to apologize and not just to continue to punish him. What a cruel kid!
Anyway, big pow wow of parents and kids after school this last Thursday set up by the teacher. I was scared to death. I really thought we were going to find out a huge bad thing that JM had done and H's parents defensive. I thought that mainly because of the advice H's parents had given him to not play with JM. Gotta wonder what made them say that.
Nope. Found out that when JM was going through his "too rough" time last fall, he bumped into H a little hard once. JM did apologize for that, but boy H took retribution to a whole new level. He really figured out JM's weak spot for his friends and has spent the last four months dictating JM's friendships. Freaky huh? Get this, H, in front of all of us admitted in two different ways, without blinking, that he was doing this. His parents seemed concerned as well that their son was doing this. The dad whispered in my ear, "Please keep me posted on what JM says after school. I want the lines of communication to be opened up here." Thank you Lord!
The teacher was apologetic that she hadn't realized what was going on. Why? Because H was being very secretive, and shaming JM into not tattling to anyone. It has been absolutely frightening for me to watch H have so much influence over an entire class of kids, a teacher and four parents--at a Christian school no less. The game is up, and I do appreciate that his dad wants reports from us that this isn't happening mainly because that takes some of the tattling pressure off of JM at school.
I also just hurt for JM! How miserable he has been for the last four months! How helpless he has felt at the hands of this kid!
I think we are on the mend here. But I tell you what, makes me love the idea of homeschool for JM that much more. He can be so easily swayed by his friends, and this is a good example, that if he did get into a wrong crowd, even so young, he would be lead right into a den of thieves. He just wants to be everyone's best friend! At all costs!
This ended so much better than I thought it would. I thank the Lord for His grace before us before the meeting, H's parents being willing to listen to what their kid is doing and not going defensive, also letting JM have the opportunity to apologize for a wrong no one can really remember, etc. Thank you Lord! Your mercy and grace cover us so much!
JM is seven today. We can't celebrate mainly because he is still coughing so hard, I am sure his lungs are swollen. We have a big roller skating party set for Sunday, let's hope that this is all behind us by then.
