Just Messing With The Videos

I know blogger just got a really nicely updated way of sharing videos and I thought I'd mess with it. So of course, that means I get to share with you some of the videos I have. Since I have kids and pets, I will share the kids.

Here is one that took about ten takes about a month ago. BH can sing his ABC's but just note, his enunciating isn't great but is certainly cute.

I didn't get a good video of it, but since he was 18 months old he has been able to count to ten. In February when I showed our family doctor that little trick, her mouth gaped open. He definitely has the second child benefits. He learns things very quickly because he has an older brother who shows him things. Or if older brother isn't showing him, BH is following close behind and learning empirically.

I am also embarassed by how unkept my office is. BH is sitting on my knees while I am filming this, and the back drop is my office. Things have changed since this was taken in July. This whole office is going to be the spare room it should be, with room for the kid(s) to do their school work. I feel good that you can actually see the vacuum cleaner.

And there you have it. The ABC's.

What a weird day!

Oregon is definitely known for it's rain. But one thing that doesn't happen often here are thunderstorms and hailstorms. I grew up Colorado where, during the summer months, there is a thunderstorm almost every afternoon. Not here! We got it today. It looked like snow. When I picked up JM from school, the kids were positively buzzing about it and thought it was fascinating. I thought it was too until the noise on the roof woke up the two year old from his nap.

The chickens are wondering of these new pellets are edible.

Adoption Connections

I love what I do because I meet so many people, from so many places, different walks of life, different stories to tell.

Recently, an example of what happens to me all the time happened at a candle party. I'll use this as an example for you of some of the things I get to chat about with folks. One of the guests, M, starts asking me adoption questions as things are winding down. Candle parties being a social event that brings about a nice atmosphere for conversations.

Turns out M is the adoptive mother of a little girl from China. They are working on a second child from China. Our initial conversation centers around the myths I have addressed here regarding domestic adoptions. Birth parents intruding in adoptive parent's lives, birth parents coming back and taking children, bad adoption workers not getting paperwork done that prevents those things, etc. I can honestly say, I think she felt comforted that this doesn't happen regularly anymore. The key is to find a good adoption agency.

Please see my past blog dated 7/22/2007 (that long ago??) specifically addressing some bad press. Also please see my blog dated 8/16/2007 just addressing concerns I hear all the time. Onto the candle party...

We started talking about our journeys that brought us to adoption. For both her and I, it's infertility. I won't tell you her story here, because that is for her to tell, but it was a good conversation.

She spoke to how when they decided to adopt over a specific infertility treatment, some people close to their lives bucked at it and questioned, "Why would you adopt instead of XXXX?" Because that is what they have decided. By the way, the procedure she spoke of costs as much as some adoptions, with a very low success rate.

We also talked about that "thing" that happens to all couples after they have been married a few years. "Are you planning to have a family?" starts swirling around conversations. Especially as others start having their kids. We have all experienced that. As we talked about it, I had a lightbulb moment.

We all know couples that have been married several years without kids. M was one and I was as well. And that simple question starts coming and doesn't quit, "Are you planning to have kids?" Or the silly version "When are you going to give grandkids to your parents?"

The real question behind that is "why haven't you had kids yet?" It's a nosy question, and I admit sometimes I am nosy too.

Okay, there are two answers to that question in this scenario.

1) The couple has chosen to not have kids, in which case, the answerer has the rolled eyes and "here we go again" look on their face. Putting myself in their shoes I would get annoyed always having to state the apologetic for choosing not to have kids.

2) The couple is infertile. In which case, that is an incredibly hurtful question. Trust me, they're trying with all their might! Both M and I agreed to having moments where we are screaming inside "You have no idea!"

I had never thought of that. No matter how nicely or jokingly you ask that curious question to a long time married person--no good can come from the answer.

The inquirer will either get the exasperated "because we don't want to." Or the look of hurt because she just got her monthly cycle for the millionth time after having a really expensive procedure.

No good can come from that question. That was my lightbulb moment. If I am ever compelled to ask that question, and I haven't asked it in a long time....I will choose to remain in my state of curiousity. I am really saying this for myself as well, because I have been guilty of this, and I know I have caused someone a little heartache.

One cool thing that came from this, two of my good friends listened in a bit and saw some new aspects of adoption. I thought that was kind of cool too.

Got our heads around this!

I think we have this whole racial thing under control now. No worries!

Here is what was happening. JM was coming home almost every day saying kids were making fun of him in general, then he started saying specifically H was doing it. Then it was becoming racially directed. The words and the person were pretty specific.

Now, I am not the kind of mom who thinks her kids are complete angels and would never do anything wrong. They do--often, and so do I. JM many times is not just the victim. If he tells you a kid has done something to him and you ask him what he did to the kid--you'd be surprised! He can pick on other kids as good as the others! I have made it abundantly clear--if you want to not be teased, don't tease. If you want to be treated nice, then be nice.

Here is how we got to the bottom of it. I went and told the principal what was being said. She and I prayed about it, which was comforting. She did some sleuthing as well as JM's teacher that day. Mrs. K, the teacher, was a gem! She is awesome at asking probing questions and the kids don't even know she is probing. She also assigned her assistant to kind of shadow JM that whole day.

Two things came out--JM denied to Mrs. K and the principal that he had said these things to me. Did your stomach just drop? Mine did too when the principal called me. Mrs. K. also left me a message saying the same thing. What is going on??! It is hard to catch Mrs. K because, of course, she is teaching. We all agree that JM and I will stay after school and figure this out.

Aside here--JM can lie. Show me a kid who doesn't. But he has really spun some good yarns lately that just floor me. I realize after calling the hubbie--we might have just gotten sucked into one. And not only that, JM has pulled a lot of other adults into this. Let's make a list: R and A, the two adults he told at soccer, and it upset them. My husband and myself. The other transracial adoptive couple we asked for advice from on Sunday. The principal and Mrs. K. Plus, possible the little boy who was falsely accused! Now remember, on Friday night, I sat down with JM and said to him, "No stories here, buddy. I need the absolute truth. Tell me what is going on at school." He lied to my face.

I also told him I would talk to the principal on Monday. He had three days to say "Ummm...Mom...maybe you shouldn't". I think he basked in the little bit of extra attention he got over the weekend. I even reminded him Monday morning I was going to talk to her, and he still didn't say anything. Yet, two hours later, deer in the headlights, "I didn't say anything like that, Mrs. K!"

When I picked up JM and the other kids were being picked up by their parents, I pulled him aside. I told him we were staying after school to talk to the teacher and the principal. I didn't start questioning him at all. I told him when the principal and Mrs. K come, he needs to start telling the truth, and he will need to start apologizing because he has been lying to one of us. He stood there and thought a minute...."Okay, Mom, here goes." I really didn't want him to just tell me, I wanted him to tell us all, but he told me. He lied and what a lie he told! All of the racially charged accusations were a lie.

He could have really gotten that other little boy in trouble if the principal and Mrs. K. hadn't done some sleuthing. I asked him where in the world he came up with such words! They were absolutely racially charged. He said, in his head. Okay, clue there, but that is the second thing....keep reading...but at the moment, he had to apologize to his teacher and his principal.

Mrs. K. nailed him. She made it clear she accepted the apology, but that she would have a hard time trusting him, she also pointed out that lying feels so good in the beginning, but it creates a big mess, it will be hard to stop lying, but he needs to ask God for help. She has JM's number dialed in. She also pointed out to him she saw him lie about something else that day, and she just ignored him. I just stood back and watched her work. Obviously, she is doing what she is gifted at, and that is first graders! I was impressed.

The principal was sweet and accepted his apology and gave him a hug. Told him always to come and talk to her if he ever needs to talk.

I was so embarrassed, you have no idea!! I also have my two friends who were lied to. Well, JM has to call them and apologize. I emailed them ahead of time to warn them, and of course, nothing but graciousness from them. I also encouraged them to tell him that he caused them to worry about him needlessly. He needs to also see that he hurt others, and that they will accept his apology.

Oh my word! What a mess! The second big thing that came out from all of this--the next day at school, Mrs. K. pulled me aside to tell me about a conversation JM had with another student that the assistant heard. JM was asking another student, "What color is my skin? What color is my face?" The child answered, "Black." (Given the chance, he might even come home and tattle that someone called him black in a bad way....see the lie? Yes, the kid said he was black, but JM also asked!) Then JM pointed to another African American student and cried out, "She's black!" Well, that isn't nice to do to her only because he made it sound like being black was bad, and the teacher and I talked about all of this. JM seems to be going through a kind of racial identity search and he's asking all the questions of his peers, and confusing himself and them in the process. Plus, he's going to make himself a target if he doesn't chill out. Okay! Now I have got it!

Now, we have some redemption here. I had a nice sit down with JM this morning before school. I encouraged him to always come to Mom and Dad with those kinds of questions. We want to answer them! Plus they can sometimes be complicated and his friends may not be able to answer them. His big point was, "Mom, I am not black, I am brown. So why do they say black?" Do you see how this whole mess came about from just that little point right there? Six year old semantics spun with six year old lying. Lots of talking, lots of encouraging, lots of open discussion.

What a mess!

Cardboard Landscape

Here's a little gardening tip I learned in a gardening magazine several years ago. This is the south side of my house that bumps right up to the neighbors driveway. It's hard to get in here, hard to grow grass, but really easy to grow weeds.

So, take a bunch of cardboard, which I have since I am rearranging my house right now getting ready for moving my office to the basement (T has been over--and I have much to do!). Flatten it and lay it out over the dirt of whatever you want to have weed free for a couple of years. Double layer it in corners and overlaps. Then shovel bark mulch over it, and water it with water until it is drenched and wet. Well, this is Oregon, I'll wait for the weather to do that.

So, you have a handsome bed, no weeds, and it's not chemically induced! Once the cardboard really begins to break down and compost, it will start to grow weeds, but it will be a few years. Or if a weed take root on top, it pulls up like nothing because the roots haven't penetrated the cardboard.